The Violin

(Get Yo' Groove On #9, 2007)

The violin is, in the right hands, a beautiful instrument. When played well, a mere handful of notes from the violin is enough to make even Mr. T cry. However, in the hands of a novice the instrument is an entirely different story. Is it any coincidence that the word ‘violin’ sounds a lot like ‘vile inn’? Probably, but the agonising sound of a poorly played violin is still enough to put off any aspiring violinist before they have even begun. It is hard to say exactly how to get around this problem. I think you must simply accept that, during the process of mastering the violin, you will subject yourself to a sound worse than Kenny G scraping his fingernails down a blackboard.

Part of the reason that the violin sounds so bad at first is that there are no fret markings on the violin’s neck. Thus, you must simply feel where the notes are. If your fingers land in the wrong spot you will end up making a sound between two notes. “Those aren’t even real notes!” your friends will exclaim in disgust upon hearing you play. A good reply to this is “it’s supposed to be avant-garde”, or “I’m actually playing an Indian scale”, or perhaps “fuck off, you fucking bastard”.

Another reason why the violin can sound so bad is that you are essentially dragging horses’ hair across catgut. The screeching sound that occurs when this happens is nature’s way of telling us that we shouldn’t be making our instruments from animals. (Seriously, did no one learn that from the bagpipes already?) Only after years of practice can you fully suppress Mother Nature’s outrage whilst playing.

Once you do master the violin, the world will be your oyster. Your friends’ disgust will turn to admiration and your neighbours will send flowers instead of death threats. You will be loved by young and old and will skip merrily down the street with all the neighborhood children (perhaps). Not only that, but you will be asked to play at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, antique auctions, pool-hall openings, high-profile celebrity trials… The list goes on. People love to have a violinist present at an event because they lend the event an air of class, just like mini-samosas or Kenneth Branagh.

Finally, you don’t have to stick to playing classical music on the violin. Another option to explore is the token violin player in an ‘alternative’ rock band. You’ll get to stand on stage, bowing furiously, while no one can hear you because you’re totally drowned out by all the other instruments. In other words, you’ll look like a complete chump. Fantastic!

The Bagpipes

(Get Yo' Groove On #8, 2007)

Vacuum cleaners, wine casks, catheters: everywhere you look, you will see pipes and bags working together in harmony. However, the apex of pipe-bag technology is surely the bagpipe, an instrument whose name alone tells you that it is the definitive union of bags and pipes.

The bagpipes have a long and rich history, beginning around 400 BC. Initially, animal skins were used for the bagpipe’s bag; after years of experimentation, it was discovered that this would work better if the skin was removed from the animal first. Once this small hurdle was overcome, the bagpipes became hugely popular in their native Scotland. In the 18^th century, it was not unusual to see two Scots greet one another on the street with a cheery drone from their respective pipes. The intensely loud sound of the bagpipes also made them ideal for transmitting messages across long distances. For instance, a spirited rendition of ‘Bonnie Dundee’ would be used to inform a neighbour that their cow had died (and possibly been made into a set of bagpipes).

In the late 1990s, the number of Scottish children taking up the bagpipes began to dwindle. Fearing that the ancient art would die out, the Scottish government decided that they needed to make bagpipes appear more attractive to the youth of Scotland. They commissioned two films that illustrated the ‘cool’ side of playing the bagpipes: ‘Pipin’’ and ‘Pipin’ II: Electric Bagaloo’. Sadly, these films were both commercial failures and were so widely panned that even Ben Affleck was left shaking his gigantic head in disbelief.

If you are interested in a wee bit of bagpipery (probably not a word), it is worth knowing that there are potential health risks. Some years ago, it was alleged that a certain kind of harmful fungus could grow inside the bagpipe’s bag. While it was never proved that inhaling the fungal spores was lethal, supporters of the theory point to the case of a man who died after practicing the bagpipes for three days solid. However, sceptics point out that the cause of death was more likely to have been the knife wound the man received from a sleep-deprived neighbour than any fungus in the bag.

Finally, no one in recorded history has ever been known to get their swerve on as a result of playing the bagpipes. However, the instrument does lend itself to a number of fantastic sexual innuendos, such as “my girlfriend loves having a blow on my pipes”, or “I’m just going to go and give the old bag a squeeze”. In fact, I would recommend picking up a set of bagpipes for this reason alone. Go on, do it. It’d be funny. 

The Bass Guitar

(Get Yo' Groove On #7, 2007)

Although the guitar and bass are similar, they are two very different instruments to play. A guitarist believing that they can just pick up the bass and play it well is as foolish as an actor thinking that they know how to direct, or a cartoonist attempting to write prose. Foolish.

Many people often think of the bass as playing second fiddle to the guitar, merely playing a lower version of what the guitar plays. Sadly, this is often true. Even worse, in some bands the bass is buried beneath so many layers of guitar distortion that it is impossible to even hear what the bassist is playing. There have been many instances in which bassists have popped down the road for a coffee in the middle of a set and rejoined the band ten minutes later, all without anyone noticing.

However, if you decide to become a bass player you don’t have to stand for that. You can play bass lines that command attention, that leap out and slap the front row in the face whilst insulting their corpulent mothers. Instead of living in the guitar’s shadow, it is possible for the bass to live in harmony with the guitar, for the two to work symbiotically to create a unified whole, to… well, you get the picture. And hey, here’s a wacky thought: you could even play in a band without a guitar! Apparently such bands do exist.

As you probably already know, the bass can be an extremely funky instrument. In fact, the sound of a bass being slapped has been proven to be one of the funkiest sounds in the known universe. On a standard Funkometer, a single bass slap will give a reading of 9.6 (where ‘10’ is an Earth, Wind and Fire concert and ‘1’ is a chartered accountants’ conference). Bass-slapping was originally conceived as an alternative to bitch-slapping, but its application to the world of funk was soon realised.

Now, you must be careful not to confuse the bass (instrument) with its seaworthy companion, the bass (fish). I have seen this happen to aspiring bass players too many times, and I for one am sick of driving to the emergency ward to get scales removed from musicians’ hands. Think people, think.

Finally, playing the bass is one way of artificially generating the sexiness gained by having a deep voice. (Of course, if you are a girl then this may not quite be the desired effect.) If you sound more like Steve Urkel than Barry White, the bass may be your salvation. Getting up on stage and playing the bass is like saying in a rich, sexy baritone: “Hey everyone, look at me… I’m playing the bass.”

The Theremin

(Get Yo' Groove On #6, 2007)

You will know the sound of the theremin, even if the name doesn’t seem familiar. It’s that eerie wailing sound you often hear in films when something creepy is going down, such as a mysterious spacecraft hovering above or Kirstie Alley appearing on screen.

The theremin is unique in that it does not require to be touched to be played. Sound is produced by waving your hands through the air, much like caressing an invisible watermelon. Specifically, the distances from your hands to two metal antennae determine the pitch and volume of the instrument. This makes playing the theremin quite challenging, since there are no keys or frets to guide you when you are playing. Thus, much like a trainee surgeon, you just have to guess where to stick your hands and hope for the best.

Even if you are an experienced thereminist (yes, it’s a word) you must take extreme care, as any accidental movements may significantly alter the melody you are playing. One misplaced hand and your subtly nuanced avant-garde jazz exploration becomes an excruciating wall of noise. Of course, your audience may not be able to tell the difference. It is best to keep all erratic hand movements clear of your theremin, lest you accidentally play something unwanted. One famous example of theremin-playing-gone-wrong occurred during a live performance by Klaus Oppenheimer in 1986. In the middle of a beautiful rendition of Debussy’s La Mer, Oppenheimer noticed a friend in the front row and unthinkingly waved to him. By a bizarre coincidence, this was the exact hand movement required to play the opening riff of Summer of ‘69. Oppenheimer was immediately forced off-stage by a barrage of bottles, and was later gunned down on his way home. You have been warned.

If you have the technical know-how it is possible to build a theremin of your own, although I am not entirely sure how this is done. If you are interested then it would be wise to consult MacGyver, who is said to have built his own theremin from a roll of duct tape and a paper clip whilst escaping from a Vietnamese drug lord.

The eerie sound of the theremin is unlikely to attract the opposite sex on its own. However, the sight of you softly caressing the air around the theremin may put all sorts of unwholesome thoughts into the mind of anyone watching. Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you’ve got those eerie sounds, and all that jazz, it’s like you are watchin’ some sort of very sensual creature from an alien dimension or something, you dig? It’s a very sexual performance.”

The Drums

(Get Yo' Groove On #5, 2007)

The drums are perhaps the most ancient of instruments. Long before humans first had the idea to twang things or blow through things, we were surely banging shit together. This primal urge has prevailed through to the modern age: every time a corporate high-flier pounds his fist on the table in demand of results, dammit, results, or a bad-ass playa pimp-slaps his biatch, we are seeing this ancient urge coming to the surface. Thus the drums can be a very appealing instrument, as it allows one to bang shit to their heart’s content under the guise of ‘music’.

A single drum kit may consist of several different components. Firstly, there is the bass drum, which has that kind of, uh, ‘doof doof’ sound. Then there is the snare, which sort of has that, y’know… ‘rat-a-tat-tat’ sound? Well you try to explain them better, buddy. Jeez. The drums that are like smaller, higher versions of the bass drum are known as ‘toms’, named after their inventor Thomas Edison. Those metal discs that get hit and make things all exciting and stuff are known as ‘cymbals’.

Learning to play the drums can be difficult as it involves doing several things at once. Your average drummer will often be working the bass drum with one foot, the hi-hat with the other, using their hands to hit the snare and cymbals, making a coffee for their bandmates and booking their next gig, all at the same time. If you have trouble doing even basic things simultaneously, such as walk and study commerce, then the coordination required to play the drums may be a little too demanding. In this case you might want to start smaller, perhaps with a pair of bongos. The added bonus of this is that you can grow a goatee and use your bongos as accompaniment to that reactionary poetry you’ve been secretly working on, which, despite its shining brilliance, nobody will ever truly appreciate.  

Many drummers do appear to be quite sexy whilst bashing away at the drums, hair flying in all directions. Perhaps this is due to their strong Animal magnetism (see what I did there?!) However, drummers often have trouble holding down long-term relationships. This is generally due to their partner’s fear that they will expire in an untimely way, such as exploding on stage or perishing in a bizarre gardening accident. However, for those who are truly passionate about their music, this is all just part of the craft. 

The Tuba

(Get Yo' Groove On #4, 2007)

The tuba is, sadly, not a graceful instrument. Its twisted, bulbous shape makes it the oafish hippopotamus of the musical world. One would expect that something so monstrous must surely sound heart-breakingly beautiful, thus giving us a poignant metaphor for the inner beauty within ourselves. Sadly, the answer is no. The sound of the tuba is as unpleasant as its shape is ungainly. Imagine, if you will, the sound of several ducks being flattened by a steamroller. This is a sound people often imagine to distract themselves from the excruciating honking of a tuba.

Why is it that the sound of a tuba irritates people so much? Scientists may have recently discovered the answer. They conjecture that the sound of a tuba is perhaps similar to the sound of the ancient Woolly Mammoth, which existed in the Pliocene Epoch. When our ancestors heard this sound they knew that their lives were in danger and would immediately begin to panic. Scientists believe that this primal instinct has endured through to the modern age, thus explaining the sense of approaching doom one feels when a tuba is playing nearby.

Now, I’m not saying that the tuba isn’t worth learning. Oh no. I’m just trying to imply it very strongly. However, it does have some redeeming features. Firstly, tubas are relatively cheap, since anyone in possession of one will be desperate to get rid of it as soon as possible. (In fact, many will pay you large sums of cash to get it off their hands.) However, the tricky part is getting the tuba back to your own house. The instrument is extremely awkward to carry, and most moving companies will swiftly hang up (and shortly thereafter change their number) at the mention of the word ‘tuba’. Once you have somehow transported the tuba to your car you should be okay, although experts recommend burning your vehicle as soon as you are done moving the instrument. Don’t attempt to bring the tuba with you on any form of public transport as you will be slapped with an instant fine.

Once you have the tuba, learning to play it is relatively easy. You simply blow through the mouthpiece and press keys at random in a vain attempt to somehow make the sound bearable. Clearly, playing the tuba will not increase your sex appeal. In fact, it will ensure that you will never go near a member of the opposite sex again. Even when you are nowhere near your instrument, they will be able to smell it on you: the overpowering stench of the damned. Says Dr. Loveberry: “What did you say? The tuba?! Don’t you ever call me here again.”

The Guitar

(Get Yo' Groove On #3, 2007)

It is a well-known fact that how cool you look while playing the guitar is directly proportional to how fast you can play. The time-honoured practice of cramming as many notes as you can into a single bar is known as ‘shredding’ and is the cornerstone of such widely popular genres as fantasy speed-metal and symphonic power-metal. Of course, an intense shred-fest is never out of place in any style of music.

Naysayers may argue that shredding is all about showing off and conveys no real emotion. This I cannot understand. Imagine that life on the road has separated you from your loved ones. Which is the better way to express your grief: whining about your feelings, or melting audience members’ faces with a blistering five-minute solo in D minor (the saddest of all keys)? I think you know the answer.

However, be careful that you don’t get up on stage and try to riff away before you’re ready. A search for ‘Fred Durst shreds’ on YouTube will give a classic example of how a premature attempt at shredding can leave you looking like a chump, hey, like a chump, hey, like a chump. Here is a basic rule of thumb: if individual notes are discernible while you are playing, you have not reached a publicly acceptable level of shredding. It is only when your guitar sound becomes an impenetrable wall of noise that you are truly ready.

Recently it has come to my attention that there are other ways of playing the guitar, such as playing things known as ‘chords’, perhaps even as an accompaniment so some kind of ‘song’. I have even heard that some people play the guitar without using a distortion pedal. Whether this is an urban legend or not, I’m not sure. But hey, give it a shot if you’re feeling adventurous.

I should warn you that the guitar is a very popular instrument, and the high ratio of guitarists to other musicians means that many guitarists are left band-less. These stray guitarists are often left to wander the streets aimlessly, desperately foraging for bandmates on park benches and in rubbish skips. Eventually they are picked up by the city council and, if not claimed by a band within two weeks, tragically put down.

Finally, it goes without saying that the guitar is a sexy instrument. However, you can always make it sexier. If the guitar is behind your head, for example, then your sexual appeal will certainly be boosted. You can’t really go wrong with setting it on fire either. Says Dr. Loveberry: “You get these notes, y’know, these notes flying out of there, and it’s like a hot kinda thang. It’s a very sexual performance.”

The Voice

(Get Yo' Groove On #2, 2007)

Unless you took up smoking at the age of five, you should already be in possession of at least one musical instrument: your own voice. This is a great instrument to start with if you’re a bit strapped for cash as it’s entirely free! Your voice doesn’t even have to sound remotely appealing: just look at how well Chad Kroeger has done for himself.

It is important, however, to find yourself a unique vocal style. If your voice sounds a little run-of-the-mill, you may have to find ways to change that. For example, Tom Waits’ trademark gruff vocal delivery is actually achieved by eating a sheet of sandpaper before each take. Smashing Pumpkins vocalist Billy Corgan creates his characteristically nasal tone by cramming his nostrils full of walnuts. It is worth noting, however, that James Blunt’s distinctive vocal style is not intentional: it’s actually the sound of him constantly attempting to stifle a yawn induced by his own music. Inspiration for your vocal style may come from almost anywhere. Shakira’s style, for example, was inspired during a visit to a local farm when she happened to come across a goat gargling rancid cottage cheese.

If you find it hard to hold a tune, never fear: you may still have a career ahead of you in hip-hop. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually a skinny white guy. Vanilla Ice, despite being an outrageous honky, has managed to receive both widespread respect from the hip-hop community and consistent popularity from the public for over twenty years. To launch a hip-hop career, you don’t even necessarily need any sense of rhythm. Lil Jon, for example, has built an entire career from simply shouting “YEAH!” or “WHAT?!” a couple of times in other people’s tracks. In fact, as long as you’ve got the bouncing cars, the ice around your neck and a couple of biatches, it doesn’t really matter what you do.

As for sex appeal, well, that depends entirely on your singing style. Sultry jazz vocals will of course melt the hearts of anyone nearby. Perhaps not as obviously, death-metal vocals are also hugely appealing to the opposite sex. There’s nothing quite like a steamy rendition of ‘Rotting Believers’ to get people in the mood, believe me. However, never attempt to use country-style vocals to woo a prospective mate, as this will turn them away without fail. In fact, country music is used as a form of birth-control in many countries. Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you’re up there, making that music, y’know, but it’s not coming from any other thang, it’s coming from inside of you, y’know, it’s like you’re sending these tender vibes out there, from inside your soul or whatever. It’s a very sexual performance.”

Get Yo' Groove On: Introduction

(Get Yo' Groove On #1, 2007)

For many of us, the pinnacle of our musical achievement thus far has been squealing a harrowing rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ through a recorder in primary school. However, it doesn’t have to stay that way. It’s not too late to improve on that, to master tunes that aren’t nursery rhymes, perhaps even on an instrument that doesn’t sound like a diseased ostrich. I do realise, however, that with the sheer quantity of different instruments out there, choosing the right one can seem a formidable task. That is where I hope that this column can help.

Each week I will present a different musical instrument and assess it on such factors as difficulty level, versatility and social credibility. Most importantly, though, I will answer the age-old question: “Will this instrument make me attractive to the opposite sex?” Assisting me in answering this question will be prominent musicologist and general love-meister Dr. Chester P. Loveberry. Says Dr. Loveberry: “Hear this. Playing music, see, is like doing your thang, y’know, but you’re up on stage or whatever, so it’s the same thang but it’s also a totally different thang. You dig?” So very true.

Before I start examining each instrument individually, I would first like to dispel a few misconceptions that may have hindered your musical progress.

1. Some people just have no musical talent.

This is something you may tell yourself to discourage yourself from attempting to learn a new instrument. However, it is not true. Sure, you may not be able to hold a tune and have no sense of rhythm whatsoever, but… okay, so maybe it is true. But don’t worry, talentless people can still make music. How else would third-wave grunge bands exist?

2. Musical instruments are expensive.

Nonsense! Most musical instruments can be made with items you can find lying around the house. Got some used toilet rolls and a hole-punch? Hey presto, you’ve got yourself a clarinet! How about that old frying pan you were going to throw out? Glue on a few light-bulbs and you’ll have your very own guitar! Still got that Christmas tree sitting in your living room? Then you seriously need to sort your shit out dude, Christmas was seven months ago. Fucking hell.

3. Learning an instrument takes time and effort.

Wrong again, idiot. Unless you’re planning on forming a Rush covers band, you can learn the basics of your instrument in a few hours and then never have to practice again. So what if your playing sounds unpleasantly amateur? It’s music man, it’s not about how you sound, it’s about expressing what’s in your heart. Rock on.