The Bagpipes

(Get Yo' Groove On #8, 2007)

Vacuum cleaners, wine casks, catheters: everywhere you look, you will see pipes and bags working together in harmony. However, the apex of pipe-bag technology is surely the bagpipe, an instrument whose name alone tells you that it is the definitive union of bags and pipes.

The bagpipes have a long and rich history, beginning around 400 BC. Initially, animal skins were used for the bagpipe’s bag; after years of experimentation, it was discovered that this would work better if the skin was removed from the animal first. Once this small hurdle was overcome, the bagpipes became hugely popular in their native Scotland. In the 18^th century, it was not unusual to see two Scots greet one another on the street with a cheery drone from their respective pipes. The intensely loud sound of the bagpipes also made them ideal for transmitting messages across long distances. For instance, a spirited rendition of ‘Bonnie Dundee’ would be used to inform a neighbour that their cow had died (and possibly been made into a set of bagpipes).

In the late 1990s, the number of Scottish children taking up the bagpipes began to dwindle. Fearing that the ancient art would die out, the Scottish government decided that they needed to make bagpipes appear more attractive to the youth of Scotland. They commissioned two films that illustrated the ‘cool’ side of playing the bagpipes: ‘Pipin’’ and ‘Pipin’ II: Electric Bagaloo’. Sadly, these films were both commercial failures and were so widely panned that even Ben Affleck was left shaking his gigantic head in disbelief.

If you are interested in a wee bit of bagpipery (probably not a word), it is worth knowing that there are potential health risks. Some years ago, it was alleged that a certain kind of harmful fungus could grow inside the bagpipe’s bag. While it was never proved that inhaling the fungal spores was lethal, supporters of the theory point to the case of a man who died after practicing the bagpipes for three days solid. However, sceptics point out that the cause of death was more likely to have been the knife wound the man received from a sleep-deprived neighbour than any fungus in the bag.

Finally, no one in recorded history has ever been known to get their swerve on as a result of playing the bagpipes. However, the instrument does lend itself to a number of fantastic sexual innuendos, such as “my girlfriend loves having a blow on my pipes”, or “I’m just going to go and give the old bag a squeeze”. In fact, I would recommend picking up a set of bagpipes for this reason alone. Go on, do it. It’d be funny.