The Guitar

(Get Yo' Groove On #3, 2007)

It is a well-known fact that how cool you look while playing the guitar is directly proportional to how fast you can play. The time-honoured practice of cramming as many notes as you can into a single bar is known as ‘shredding’ and is the cornerstone of such widely popular genres as fantasy speed-metal and symphonic power-metal. Of course, an intense shred-fest is never out of place in any style of music.

Naysayers may argue that shredding is all about showing off and conveys no real emotion. This I cannot understand. Imagine that life on the road has separated you from your loved ones. Which is the better way to express your grief: whining about your feelings, or melting audience members’ faces with a blistering five-minute solo in D minor (the saddest of all keys)? I think you know the answer.

However, be careful that you don’t get up on stage and try to riff away before you’re ready. A search for ‘Fred Durst shreds’ on YouTube will give a classic example of how a premature attempt at shredding can leave you looking like a chump, hey, like a chump, hey, like a chump. Here is a basic rule of thumb: if individual notes are discernible while you are playing, you have not reached a publicly acceptable level of shredding. It is only when your guitar sound becomes an impenetrable wall of noise that you are truly ready.

Recently it has come to my attention that there are other ways of playing the guitar, such as playing things known as ‘chords’, perhaps even as an accompaniment so some kind of ‘song’. I have even heard that some people play the guitar without using a distortion pedal. Whether this is an urban legend or not, I’m not sure. But hey, give it a shot if you’re feeling adventurous.

I should warn you that the guitar is a very popular instrument, and the high ratio of guitarists to other musicians means that many guitarists are left band-less. These stray guitarists are often left to wander the streets aimlessly, desperately foraging for bandmates on park benches and in rubbish skips. Eventually they are picked up by the city council and, if not claimed by a band within two weeks, tragically put down.

Finally, it goes without saying that the guitar is a sexy instrument. However, you can always make it sexier. If the guitar is behind your head, for example, then your sexual appeal will certainly be boosted. You can’t really go wrong with setting it on fire either. Says Dr. Loveberry: “You get these notes, y’know, these notes flying out of there, and it’s like a hot kinda thang. It’s a very sexual performance.”