The Bass Guitar

(Get Yo' Groove On #7, 2007)

Although the guitar and bass are similar, they are two very different instruments to play. A guitarist believing that they can just pick up the bass and play it well is as foolish as an actor thinking that they know how to direct, or a cartoonist attempting to write prose. Foolish.

Many people often think of the bass as playing second fiddle to the guitar, merely playing a lower version of what the guitar plays. Sadly, this is often true. Even worse, in some bands the bass is buried beneath so many layers of guitar distortion that it is impossible to even hear what the bassist is playing. There have been many instances in which bassists have popped down the road for a coffee in the middle of a set and rejoined the band ten minutes later, all without anyone noticing.

However, if you decide to become a bass player you don’t have to stand for that. You can play bass lines that command attention, that leap out and slap the front row in the face whilst insulting their corpulent mothers. Instead of living in the guitar’s shadow, it is possible for the bass to live in harmony with the guitar, for the two to work symbiotically to create a unified whole, to… well, you get the picture. And hey, here’s a wacky thought: you could even play in a band without a guitar! Apparently such bands do exist.

As you probably already know, the bass can be an extremely funky instrument. In fact, the sound of a bass being slapped has been proven to be one of the funkiest sounds in the known universe. On a standard Funkometer, a single bass slap will give a reading of 9.6 (where ‘10’ is an Earth, Wind and Fire concert and ‘1’ is a chartered accountants’ conference). Bass-slapping was originally conceived as an alternative to bitch-slapping, but its application to the world of funk was soon realised.

Now, you must be careful not to confuse the bass (instrument) with its seaworthy companion, the bass (fish). I have seen this happen to aspiring bass players too many times, and I for one am sick of driving to the emergency ward to get scales removed from musicians’ hands. Think people, think.

Finally, playing the bass is one way of artificially generating the sexiness gained by having a deep voice. (Of course, if you are a girl then this may not quite be the desired effect.) If you sound more like Steve Urkel than Barry White, the bass may be your salvation. Getting up on stage and playing the bass is like saying in a rich, sexy baritone: “Hey everyone, look at me… I’m playing the bass.”