The Voice

(Get Yo' Groove On #2, 2007)

Unless you took up smoking at the age of five, you should already be in possession of at least one musical instrument: your own voice. This is a great instrument to start with if you’re a bit strapped for cash as it’s entirely free! Your voice doesn’t even have to sound remotely appealing: just look at how well Chad Kroeger has done for himself.

It is important, however, to find yourself a unique vocal style. If your voice sounds a little run-of-the-mill, you may have to find ways to change that. For example, Tom Waits’ trademark gruff vocal delivery is actually achieved by eating a sheet of sandpaper before each take. Smashing Pumpkins vocalist Billy Corgan creates his characteristically nasal tone by cramming his nostrils full of walnuts. It is worth noting, however, that James Blunt’s distinctive vocal style is not intentional: it’s actually the sound of him constantly attempting to stifle a yawn induced by his own music. Inspiration for your vocal style may come from almost anywhere. Shakira’s style, for example, was inspired during a visit to a local farm when she happened to come across a goat gargling rancid cottage cheese.

If you find it hard to hold a tune, never fear: you may still have a career ahead of you in hip-hop. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually a skinny white guy. Vanilla Ice, despite being an outrageous honky, has managed to receive both widespread respect from the hip-hop community and consistent popularity from the public for over twenty years. To launch a hip-hop career, you don’t even necessarily need any sense of rhythm. Lil Jon, for example, has built an entire career from simply shouting “YEAH!” or “WHAT?!” a couple of times in other people’s tracks. In fact, as long as you’ve got the bouncing cars, the ice around your neck and a couple of biatches, it doesn’t really matter what you do.

As for sex appeal, well, that depends entirely on your singing style. Sultry jazz vocals will of course melt the hearts of anyone nearby. Perhaps not as obviously, death-metal vocals are also hugely appealing to the opposite sex. There’s nothing quite like a steamy rendition of ‘Rotting Believers’ to get people in the mood, believe me. However, never attempt to use country-style vocals to woo a prospective mate, as this will turn them away without fail. In fact, country music is used as a form of birth-control in many countries. Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you’re up there, making that music, y’know, but it’s not coming from any other thang, it’s coming from inside of you, y’know, it’s like you’re sending these tender vibes out there, from inside your soul or whatever. It’s a very sexual performance.”