The Tuba

(Get Yo' Groove On #4, 2007)

The tuba is, sadly, not a graceful instrument. Its twisted, bulbous shape makes it the oafish hippopotamus of the musical world. One would expect that something so monstrous must surely sound heart-breakingly beautiful, thus giving us a poignant metaphor for the inner beauty within ourselves. Sadly, the answer is no. The sound of the tuba is as unpleasant as its shape is ungainly. Imagine, if you will, the sound of several ducks being flattened by a steamroller. This is a sound people often imagine to distract themselves from the excruciating honking of a tuba.

Why is it that the sound of a tuba irritates people so much? Scientists may have recently discovered the answer. They conjecture that the sound of a tuba is perhaps similar to the sound of the ancient Woolly Mammoth, which existed in the Pliocene Epoch. When our ancestors heard this sound they knew that their lives were in danger and would immediately begin to panic. Scientists believe that this primal instinct has endured through to the modern age, thus explaining the sense of approaching doom one feels when a tuba is playing nearby.

Now, I’m not saying that the tuba isn’t worth learning. Oh no. I’m just trying to imply it very strongly. However, it does have some redeeming features. Firstly, tubas are relatively cheap, since anyone in possession of one will be desperate to get rid of it as soon as possible. (In fact, many will pay you large sums of cash to get it off their hands.) However, the tricky part is getting the tuba back to your own house. The instrument is extremely awkward to carry, and most moving companies will swiftly hang up (and shortly thereafter change their number) at the mention of the word ‘tuba’. Once you have somehow transported the tuba to your car you should be okay, although experts recommend burning your vehicle as soon as you are done moving the instrument. Don’t attempt to bring the tuba with you on any form of public transport as you will be slapped with an instant fine.

Once you have the tuba, learning to play it is relatively easy. You simply blow through the mouthpiece and press keys at random in a vain attempt to somehow make the sound bearable. Clearly, playing the tuba will not increase your sex appeal. In fact, it will ensure that you will never go near a member of the opposite sex again. Even when you are nowhere near your instrument, they will be able to smell it on you: the overpowering stench of the damned. Says Dr. Loveberry: “What did you say? The tuba?! Don’t you ever call me here again.”