The Theremin

(Get Yo' Groove On #6, 2007)

You will know the sound of the theremin, even if the name doesn’t seem familiar. It’s that eerie wailing sound you often hear in films when something creepy is going down, such as a mysterious spacecraft hovering above or Kirstie Alley appearing on screen.

The theremin is unique in that it does not require to be touched to be played. Sound is produced by waving your hands through the air, much like caressing an invisible watermelon. Specifically, the distances from your hands to two metal antennae determine the pitch and volume of the instrument. This makes playing the theremin quite challenging, since there are no keys or frets to guide you when you are playing. Thus, much like a trainee surgeon, you just have to guess where to stick your hands and hope for the best.

Even if you are an experienced thereminist (yes, it’s a word) you must take extreme care, as any accidental movements may significantly alter the melody you are playing. One misplaced hand and your subtly nuanced avant-garde jazz exploration becomes an excruciating wall of noise. Of course, your audience may not be able to tell the difference. It is best to keep all erratic hand movements clear of your theremin, lest you accidentally play something unwanted. One famous example of theremin-playing-gone-wrong occurred during a live performance by Klaus Oppenheimer in 1986. In the middle of a beautiful rendition of Debussy’s La Mer, Oppenheimer noticed a friend in the front row and unthinkingly waved to him. By a bizarre coincidence, this was the exact hand movement required to play the opening riff of Summer of ‘69. Oppenheimer was immediately forced off-stage by a barrage of bottles, and was later gunned down on his way home. You have been warned.

If you have the technical know-how it is possible to build a theremin of your own, although I am not entirely sure how this is done. If you are interested then it would be wise to consult MacGyver, who is said to have built his own theremin from a roll of duct tape and a paper clip whilst escaping from a Vietnamese drug lord.

The eerie sound of the theremin is unlikely to attract the opposite sex on its own. However, the sight of you softly caressing the air around the theremin may put all sorts of unwholesome thoughts into the mind of anyone watching. Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you’ve got those eerie sounds, and all that jazz, it’s like you are watchin’ some sort of very sensual creature from an alien dimension or something, you dig? It’s a very sexual performance.”