Get Yo' Groove On: Introduction

(Get Yo' Groove On #1, 2007)

For many of us, the pinnacle of our musical achievement thus far has been squealing a harrowing rendition of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ through a recorder in primary school. However, it doesn’t have to stay that way. It’s not too late to improve on that, to master tunes that aren’t nursery rhymes, perhaps even on an instrument that doesn’t sound like a diseased ostrich. I do realise, however, that with the sheer quantity of different instruments out there, choosing the right one can seem a formidable task. That is where I hope that this column can help.

Each week I will present a different musical instrument and assess it on such factors as difficulty level, versatility and social credibility. Most importantly, though, I will answer the age-old question: “Will this instrument make me attractive to the opposite sex?” Assisting me in answering this question will be prominent musicologist and general love-meister Dr. Chester P. Loveberry. Says Dr. Loveberry: “Hear this. Playing music, see, is like doing your thang, y’know, but you’re up on stage or whatever, so it’s the same thang but it’s also a totally different thang. You dig?” So very true.

Before I start examining each instrument individually, I would first like to dispel a few misconceptions that may have hindered your musical progress.

1. Some people just have no musical talent.

This is something you may tell yourself to discourage yourself from attempting to learn a new instrument. However, it is not true. Sure, you may not be able to hold a tune and have no sense of rhythm whatsoever, but… okay, so maybe it is true. But don’t worry, talentless people can still make music. How else would third-wave grunge bands exist?

2. Musical instruments are expensive.

Nonsense! Most musical instruments can be made with items you can find lying around the house. Got some used toilet rolls and a hole-punch? Hey presto, you’ve got yourself a clarinet! How about that old frying pan you were going to throw out? Glue on a few light-bulbs and you’ll have your very own guitar! Still got that Christmas tree sitting in your living room? Then you seriously need to sort your shit out dude, Christmas was seven months ago. Fucking hell.

3. Learning an instrument takes time and effort.

Wrong again, idiot. Unless you’re planning on forming a Rush covers band, you can learn the basics of your instrument in a few hours and then never have to practice again. So what if your playing sounds unpleasantly amateur? It’s music man, it’s not about how you sound, it’s about expressing what’s in your heart. Rock on.