The Violin

(Get Yo' Groove On #9, 2007)

The violin is, in the right hands, a beautiful instrument. When played well, a mere handful of notes from the violin is enough to make even Mr. T cry. However, in the hands of a novice the instrument is an entirely different story. Is it any coincidence that the word ‘violin’ sounds a lot like ‘vile inn’? Probably, but the agonising sound of a poorly played violin is still enough to put off any aspiring violinist before they have even begun. It is hard to say exactly how to get around this problem. I think you must simply accept that, during the process of mastering the violin, you will subject yourself to a sound worse than Kenny G scraping his fingernails down a blackboard.

Part of the reason that the violin sounds so bad at first is that there are no fret markings on the violin’s neck. Thus, you must simply feel where the notes are. If your fingers land in the wrong spot you will end up making a sound between two notes. “Those aren’t even real notes!” your friends will exclaim in disgust upon hearing you play. A good reply to this is “it’s supposed to be avant-garde”, or “I’m actually playing an Indian scale”, or perhaps “fuck off, you fucking bastard”.

Another reason why the violin can sound so bad is that you are essentially dragging horses’ hair across catgut. The screeching sound that occurs when this happens is nature’s way of telling us that we shouldn’t be making our instruments from animals. (Seriously, did no one learn that from the bagpipes already?) Only after years of practice can you fully suppress Mother Nature’s outrage whilst playing.

Once you do master the violin, the world will be your oyster. Your friends’ disgust will turn to admiration and your neighbours will send flowers instead of death threats. You will be loved by young and old and will skip merrily down the street with all the neighborhood children (perhaps). Not only that, but you will be asked to play at weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, antique auctions, pool-hall openings, high-profile celebrity trials… The list goes on. People love to have a violinist present at an event because they lend the event an air of class, just like mini-samosas or Kenneth Branagh.

Finally, you don’t have to stick to playing classical music on the violin. Another option to explore is the token violin player in an ‘alternative’ rock band. You’ll get to stand on stage, bowing furiously, while no one can hear you because you’re totally drowned out by all the other instruments. In other words, you’ll look like a complete chump. Fantastic!