The Saxophone

(Get Yo' Groove On #10, 2007)

The saxophone is a versatile instrument, perfect not only for jazz and funk, but also suitable for genres such as rock, reggae, klezmer, drone-doom and Hungarian funeral music. However, before you rush into learning the sax, you should know that there are several members of the saxophone family to choose from.

If your dream is to be a hit with middle-aged women, then the soprano saxophone is for you. This is because no matter how well you play the soprano you will still end up sounding like Kenny G. It’s almost impressive, really, that one man could ruin an entire instrument single-handedly. You almost want to give him a medal or something. Still, learning the soprano sax may lead to international exposure: your music could one day be heard in elevators and airport lounges all over the world. Thanks, Kenny!

Next we have the tenor saxophone. The tenor has a lower range than the soprano, and can really growl if you want it to. If you are playing in a rock band, ideally you should do nothing but make it growl. For maximum cheesiness, you should also wear a pair of dark sunglasses and play nothing but Huey Lewis and the News covers. The raunchy sound of the tenor is also perfect for adult movie soundtracks, should you ever want to get into that lucrative industry. (Incidentally, growling tenor will be a prominent feature of my upcoming album, ‘Danger! Hot Sax’, scheduled for release in early November).

Finally, we have the baritone saxophone. Incredibly low, the sound of the baritone has a power behind it that lets you know it means business. Just a few notes from the baritone per song are enough to keep the other saxophones in line. However, the cost of so much raw power is weight: your average baritone weighs in at roughly 6.5 kilograms. Even the most blingin’ of rappers would find it a struggle to perform with that much metal slung over their necks.

I should also mention that there is such as thing as the alto saxophone, but the comic potential of the alto is sadly lacking. So, I will ignore it.

Will playing the saxophone make you sexy? As mentioned previously, the soprano sax is perfect if you are a fan of older women. If not, you can’t go wrong with the other types of saxophone – they’re all pretty much guaranteed to increase your sex appeal. Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you up there, blowing on that thang, it’s like you are creating colours through the atmosphere, you know what I’m saying? Sexual colours. It is a very sexual performance.”