Scenario #14: Anything Could Happen

(Apocalypse How? #14, 2010)

Much like the way the apocalypse could strike us all down in our prime, leaving so many things in life unfinished, so too must this series of columns come to an end before it has fully served its purpose. It is with a heavy heart that I write this final entry, knowing that despite all the advice I have given you on how to prepare for the apocalypse there is still so much left to go over. Though I’ve covered some of the more obvious scenarios – nuclear war, pandemics, the Black Eyed Peas – there are still so many more ways in which we could all meet a grisly end. Realistically, anything could happen at any time, but I will leave you with a handful of the literally infinite number of apocalyptic scenarios that have not already been mentioned.

For a start, it is well-known that the driving urge behind humanity’s existence is the avoidance of awkward situations, an ancient instinct that protects the entire world’s population from having a shared experience so awkward that the Earth would explode from awkwardness. Or perhaps mankind will simply fall over and be unable to get back up. Then there is the fear that humanity will somehow become infertile, leading to a lack of babies and therefore a lack of lunch options for Pope Benedict XVI. Or maybe we will all just be put off sex forever by simultaneously seeing a picture of Paul Holmes naked.

Perhaps all the comments on YouTube will finally coalesce into a giant seething ball of racism and ignorance and run amok throughout the world, devouring everything in its path. Or maybe someone will create a LOLcat so funny that everyone will LOL so hard they are unable to breathe. On the subject of hilarious jokes, perhaps Sarah Palin will be elected president in 2012 and accidentally unleash America’s entire nuclear arsenal on the world after a long night on the moose juice. That is, of course, if Zombie Hitler doesn’t come back and finish us all off first.

The seas could rise, flooding entire continents and making our everyday lives a lot like Sea World, except with less awesome rides and more floating corpses. Or perhaps all the volcanoes will erupt at once, covering everything in liquid hot magma and freeing all the spirits imprisoned within by the tyrannical galactic dictator Xenu. On that note, there is the chance that we will have to fight invading extraterrestrial beings in an extended metaphor for American independence, just like in that movie, Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style. And hey, while we’re here, let’s not forget the possibility that mankind could simply spontaneously combust at any time for no particular reason.

And now, the end times truly have come: after a ridiculous six years contributing to this magazine, I am done. Thanks to Critic and anyone who’s still reading this stuff. I can only hope that the apocalypse will be much faster and less painful. 

Scenario #13: The Rapture

(Apocalypse How? #13, 2010)

“...and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air.” – 1 Thessalonians, 4:15-17.

I know you’re a bit worried about it. I’m a bit worried about it. As much as we would like to ignore it, the fact remains that at any moment, any time of day or night, Jesus is going to show up and bring all good Christians up to join him in heaven, leaving behind all the filthy non-believers in an event known as ‘The Rapture.’ And while the thought of being able to walk through the Link without being accosted by some dude with a painted-on smile telling you that you’re going to hell may sound appealing, I can assure you that the post-Rapture world will not be all sunshine and roses.

You see, after The Rapture will come The Tribulation, a time in which the non-believing scum left on Earth will suffer though untold hardship, war, poverty and natural disasters. Great plagues of indestructible locusts will cause endless pain. Seas and rivers will turn to blood, nicely complementing the fire and blood falling from the sky. Massive earthquakes will push mountains into the sea, the sun will burn people alive and our good pals The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – better known to us as the Black Eyed Peas – will turn up to the party as well. Yes, it will be a time of intense suffering for all the non-Christians of the world, even the babies. Especially the babies.

Of course, this is assuming that The Rapture will occur before The Tribulation – that we will experience a ‘Pre-Trib Rapture’, as those in the know call it. (Really.) However, there are some who believe that the Rapture will occur some time during The Tribulation, while others go even further and suggest that The Tribulation has already begun, in which case shit is about to go bad very soon. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it: there’s no shortage of war, poverty or natural disasters going around at the moment, and if Dane Rumble isn’t a sign of the End Times then I don’t know what is.

Sure, you may scoff at all this, but then the Bible says that “there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts and saying, Where is the promise of his coming?” You fool! Can’t you see that your scoffing only confirms that the end is near? So stop wondering why a benevolent God would want to kill two-thirds of the world’s population and start getting pious before it’s too late, lest you be left behind with all the other damned non-believers. Go get a Bible, pick a verse at random and do what it says, now! Here, I’ll start it off: “Esther had not disclosed her race or country, because Mardochaeus had forbidden her to do so.” Yeah, I can get down with that.

Scenario #12: Stupidity

(Apocalypse How? #12, 2010)

We’ve all been there: you’ve just seen a particularly brain-dead report on the evening news or read a poorly-spelled diatribe on why Obama is a socialist Muslim Nazi and you sit back and wonder: “Is it just me, or is the world getting stupider?” Well, you’re not alone my friend, and even experts have noticed a steadily increasing global trend in the amount of incredibly stupid shit that goes down. Just a quick glance at the internet, television or even the people around you reveals a terrifying abyss of incoherence, aggressive ignorance and jokes about being kicked in the balls. Why, it even seems that most people are having ability to not writing the full sentences properly.

As we all know, this deluge of stupidity can lead to a lot of exasperated sighing and foreheads rubbed raw from constant facepalming. However, it could lead to something even worse: if the human intellect continues to descend at this rate, it could easily bring on the downfall of society itself. At first the changes will be subtle, as we start to see less innovation and development of technology as the number of people with the required skills begins to drop. Then things will break and no one will be able to fix them; buildings will crumble due to lack of maintenance; raw sewage will run in the streets as people forget how to flush toilets. Within the next hundred years we could be reduced to a society of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging simpletons living in piles of rubble mixed with our own filth, before finally succumbing to scurvy and disappearing for good.

So how did we get to this point, facing imminent extinction at the hands of mass stupidity? Sure, I could just sit here and blame all the old scapegoats: the proliferation of reality TV; puerile YouTube clips designed to hold our attention for no more than a few seconds at a time; pandering, hacky ‘current affairs’ shows that assume all their viewers are slobbering imbeciles; bland, clichéd pop hits shat out by slick-haired, dead-eyed record executives; various other forms of entertainment that are constantly vomiting up bite-sized chunks of mindless crap designed to assault your senses, drain your intelligence and incinerate your soul. But that would be too easy.

Perhaps people aren’t actually getting stupider, and it’s just that the internet and other forms of media are spreading stupidity in a way that was never thought possible. Complete cretins can now broadcast their mind-bogglingly stupid thoughts to the entire world, whereas in the past they were just made to sit in the corner in silence with the dunce cap on. Anyway, it’s not as if people were exactly that clever back in the old days, what with all their feudal systems and castles and stuff. That was some dumb shit. I mean, they didn’t even have electricity. So perhaps we’re as stupid as we’ve ever been and there’s no need to panic just yet. Still, we should probably bomb all the people responsible for producing Rock of Love, just in case.

Scenario #11: Ice Age

(Apocalypse How? #11, 2010)

All this talk of ‘man-made global warming’, while clearly being false and sucking up precious time and money, is also doing mankind damage in a far more serious way. Every second we spend discussing whether or not the planet is getting warmer is taking focus away from the far more terrifying reality that we are hurtling headlong into another ice age. Forget what the scientists are telling you. Any morning now you could wake up to find yourself frozen to death, along with your family, friends, and that one hot girl who lives across the road from you and made eye contact with you that one time and you could totally tell she was into you, even though she’s avoided you since then and it’s getting a bit awkward.

Ice ages can be devastating, as we all know from hard-hitting documentaries such as Ice Age and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. When an ice age hits, every square centimetre of the Earth is covered in thick layers of ice, often within a matter of hours. However, though ice ages are quick to arrive, they have been known to last for billions, and sometimes trillions, of years. Needless to say, if an ice age were to hit mankind today the results would be disastrous: all progress we have made as a society would be lost instantly and our descendants, if any, would be forced to learn how to make racist YouTube comments from scratch.

In order to minimise the harm of a potential ice age, I have personally instituted the following ten-level warning system to alert citizens when temperatures start to drop to dangerous levels:

• Level 1: A bit nippy. 
• Level 2: Ooh, that’s brisk. 
• Level 3: Martha, put the jug on, it’s gettin’ chilly! 
• Level 4: Colder than Charlton Heston’s cold, dead hands. 
• Level 5: Can’t… feel my face. 
• Level 6: Hellooo, frostbite! 
• Level 7: Wait, am I in a North East Valley flat? 
• Level 8: What’s cooler than being cool? ICE COLD! 
• Level 9: Hell has frozen over. 
• Level 10: Full-blown ice age up in this bitch.

As soon as you hear the warning system kick into action, you must take preventative action immediately. Put on some Barry White, Marvin Gaye – shit, even some Lionel Richie – so we can get a little bit of heat back into things. That’s right, time to make those flames rise higher baby. Ooh yeah girl, anything we can do to stop ourselves from FREEZING TO DEATH. Of course, sometimes white-hot soul may not be enough to slow the cooling process, in which case it would be best to just put yourself into some sort of humorous pose before you freeze so that whoever discovers you can at least have a bit of a chuckle.

On the other hand, perhaps we’ll all be fine. Who’s to say in this unpredictable, ever-changing climate we live in? Anyway, all this talk of ice ages is just taking time and money away from the real issue: immigrants. Can we trust them?

Scenario #10: The Black Eyed Peas

(Apocalypse How? #10, 2010)

So far we’ve looked at some pretty terrifying apocalyptic scenarios, but if you thought the idea of being instantly vaporised or crushed from above was bad, then wait ’til you hear this one. In fact, I hesitate to even call it a ‘scenario’ since it has already begun. I’m talking, of course, about the rise of apocalyptic noise collective Black Eyed Peas, a group that is single-mindedly determined to end life as we know it.

The Peas’ plan, while brutally sadistic, has been nothing short of genius. They innocuously dropped themselves on an unsuspecting public in the late ’90s with their agreeable brand of backpacker hip-hop, fooling critics and music fans alike into thinking they were just another harmless quasi-underground collective. Then, in early 2003, the Black Eyed Peas suddenly added something called a ‘Fergie’ to their line-up and mutated into slick dance-pop merchants without warning. While those who were familiar with their earlier work started to become suspicious, the general public was unaware that anything was amiss, cramming the Peas’ pop confection down their throats as fast as they could.

Once the Peas had their hooks into the general populace there was no turning back. Their first attempt at destroying humanity came in 2005, with their noxious release ‘My Humps’. While this abomination did flatten large chunks of Eastern Europe, it miraculously failed on a larger scale, despite multiple references to ‘lovely lady lumps’ and ‘milky milky cocoa puffs’. Undeterred, these insane shit-purveyors have tried again and again, with soul-destroying semi-ballistic abominations such as ‘Boom Boom Pow’ and ‘I Gotta Feeling’. So far the world has stayed intact, but for how long?

While it’s clear that the Black Eyed Peas are trying to kill us all, what’s not so obvious is why. However, one theory that has been gaining traction is that the Peas are actually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, come to punish humanity for their terrible taste in music: will.i.am is war, Taboo is famine, apl.de.ap is pestilence and Fergie, naturally, is death. And also the horses. I tell you, one night very soon we will all be awoken by the sound of thundering hooves, burning flesh and ultra-processed vocals, and we will peer out the window to see Fergie galloping overhead, framed by a blood-red sky, emitting a banshee-like screech so terrifying that this time you will wet your pants.

So how can we stop the inevitable destruction of the world at the hands of the Black Eyed Peas? Well, the only option left is to destroy them and every second of ‘music’ they have ever produced. Yes, even their old stuff. I know that may sound a little extreme, but please keep in mind that these are not humans but mythical figures sent to reduce the Earth to a smouldering pile of rubble. It won’t be easy to take them down, but just remember this: “what you gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts inside that shirt?” The Peas want us dead: it’s either them or us.

Scenario #9: None of This is Real

(Apocalypse How? #9, 2010)

Unless you’re a card-carrying nihilist, chances are you’d rather not see the apocalypse bearing down on humanity any time soon. Most of us have a nice enough life going on and would prefer that our enjoyment of Two and a Half Men on Sunday nights wasn’t interrupted by the world exploding, imploding or whatever it is the world does when it comes to an end. But perhaps we’re looking at the problem the wrong way: how can we be sure that this comfortable existence that we’re so keen to preserve is even real in the first place?

We’ve all seen The Matrix. (Seriously, if you haven’t seen The Matrix, then what the hell? I’m not talking about the second two, they were kind of lame, but the first one, man… that was some sweet shit. You know that bit where time stops and you can see the bullets in mid-air and then Neo stops the bullets with his mind? That was awesome.) Perhaps everything we are now experiencing is just some sort of constructed universe, designed to keep humanity ignorant of a reality that is far worse – to shield us, say, from some horrible world in which every song on the radio is delivered in a strange, robotic howl and an unhinged Alaskan woman has a chance of becoming the most powerful person in the world. Oh, wait… The point is, if everything we see around us is just an illusion, then we could all ‘wake up’ at any moment, thus effectively ending our current existence.

Alternatively, what if the world around us is real but has still been artificially constructed in some way? It’s not entirely implausible that our planet is some kind of bizarre galactic experiment, one which will terminate whenever its creators have gathered the information they need. Far be it from me to speculate on the purpose of such an experiment, but based on the fact that Dane Rumble exists I’m pretty sure that we’ve failed somehow. Surely it’s only a matter of time before they pull the plug on the whole thing and start again, hopefully having learned a thing or two about the essence of humanity in the process – as well as how to stop auto-tune from being invented the second time around.     

Of course, it’s hard to know if any of these theories are true or not. In the meantime, I would advise that you continue on with life as usual until we can be totally sure that this is all some kind of meaningless illusion, at which point you are more than welcome to start binging on crack and hookers. It does raise some interesting questions though, doesn’t it? Questions about the relativistic notions of ‘truth’, the extent to which we all ‘construct’ our own realities, and the… hey wait, come back! I’ll talk about The Matrix some more, I promise. Remember that time Neo fought that other dude wearing the glasses? Oh man, that was sweet.

Scenario #8: Global Warming

(Apocalypse How? #8, 2010)

Recently there has been a lot in the media about this so-called ‘man-made global warming’, which, of all the apocalyptic scenarios we’ve seen so far, seems to be the most realistic. We’ve all heard the dire predictions that have been made for the future of our planet if things continue on their current course: disappearing island nations, increasingly extreme weather patterns, perhaps even the end of humanity as we know it.

Having heard these alarming predictions, I was starting to get a little worried about the whole thing. Thankfully, there’s no need to panic: I can now tell you with 100% confidence that everything’s going to be okay. You see, I did a little research online about this whole ‘global warming’ thing and to be honest, it all seems a little far-fetched. For example, I found a climate-change skeptic blog that offered a small number of pseudo-scientific reasons why global warming may not be real after all. So, I’m convinced. Never mind that I have no real background in scientific research, let alone the highly specialised fields that climate scientists are working in – there’s no reason why my opinion shouldn’t be as valid as theirs. Hey, that’s what free speech is all about, right? All opinions should be respected and given equal weight, even if the people holding them aren’t ‘qualified scientists’ or ‘know what they’re talking about’. 

I know what you’re thinking. How could it be that so many of the world’s top scientists – experts in their respective fields, some of whom have been working on this for decades – could have got it so wrong, whereas yours truly, some guy who did a bit of casual research about it on the internet, could have the whole thing totally sussed out? Well you see, man-made global warming is just a theory, like the theory of gravity, or Pythagoras’ Theorem. No matter how good a theory may seem to these ‘experts’, all it takes is one small piece of data that doesn’t quite fit and BAM! Everything about the theory becomes redundant. That’s why I’ve decided to dedicate myself to bothering real scientists with trivial pieces of ‘counter-evidence’ until they finally see that they’ve made a huge mistake. Don’t forget about the volcanoes, guys!

Hey, did I mention that it’s also a giant conspiracy by the liberal media to force us to conform to their political ideology?

Even if, by some slim chance, global warming is really happening, we don’t actually need to do anything about it – we’ll just sit back and let the market take care of it. Good old ‘the market’, it solves everything! Financial problems? The market will sort it out! Some guy fucking your wife? The market will sort it out! So ignore all those people who like to tell you that the future of the planet is uncertain and encourage you to use less plastic bags, ride on public transport, not shave your legs, blah blah blah… It’s gonna be sweet, bro. Trust me.

Scenario #7: Animal Uprising

(Apocalypse How? #7, 2010)

Animals: we all love ’em, but in many ways humanity has been quite rough on our furry little friends throughout the ages. Sure, we like to pet them and hug them, but we also like to eat them, wear them, ride them, test makeup on them, and occasionally shoot them into space. In short, the animal kingdom is kind of our bitch; the Colmes to our Hannity; the Rob Schneider to our Adam Sandler. But what if one day the animals were to reverse this great injustice and try to take the place of humans as the dominant species on the planet?

Our popular culture has already given us terrifying glimpses of animals acting as if they were people: Mister Ed, the talking horse; those chimpanzees in the PG Tips ads; Rambo III. But could animals ever really rise up and take our place? Most would agree that our greatest threat comes from our fellow primates, or what scientists refer to as the ‘monkey family’. Monkeys are generally quite smart, have the ever-so-useful opposable thumb and can even perform primitive tasks, such as fashioning rudimentary tools or writing an article for the ODT. Perhaps it’s not so hard to imagine that, with a little effort and determination, they could develop sufficient tools to overthrow humanity, just like in Planet of the Apes. (Ummm… retroactive spoiler warning?)

Of course, primates aren’t the only animals we need to worry about. Let’s not forget our so-called ‘pals’ the dolphins, who are also extremely intelligent and just begging for an excuse to come and show humanity who’s the boss, Tony Danza- style. Shit, they can even breathe air – all they have to do is figure out some way of walking on land (which can’t be that hard) and we’re toast. I also hear they’re good pals with the whales, which is not good news…

Now cast your mind to even more terrifying, yet equally plausible, scenarios: wildebeest evolving ten extra legs and trampling us all into oblivion! Twenty-foot-tall ants sending us to toil in their underground sugar caves! Badgers badgering us to within an inch of our lives! Octopi using their tentacles to suck the eyeballs out of our very heads! No one would be spared! And yet, in a way, we would deserve it, as payback for all the terrible things we have done to them.

So, perhaps it is time we started treating the animal kingdom with a little more respect. Maybe cut back on those mink scarves you love so much. Try ordering a double Quarter Pounder instead of a triple. Hug a horse. Maybe if we learn to love our animal friends then they will be able to resist the urge to evolve into hyper-intelligent super-animals and kill us all. So, readers, I urge you all to heed these words of warning, lest you wish to be kicked to death by some kind of intelligent mule.

Scenario #6: Erosion of Family Values

(Apocalypse How? #6, 2010)

When we think of apocalyptic scenarios we often imagine huge, unstoppable disasters that are completely out of our control, like fiery death raining down from above or the release of Big Momma’s House 3. But there is another apocalyptic possibility that comes not from any outside source, but from within humanity itself. I’m referring, of course, to the erosion of family values, a slow but serious process that will inevitably lead to the end of all mankind.

Back in the 1950s, it seemed unthinkable that the world could come to an end in this way. Men were men, women were women, and many other things were also the same thing as themselves. Every house had two parents, 2.5 adorable children (probably due to some kind of gardening accident) and two cars parked snugly in the garage. Everything was as it should be and no one really had to worry about anything at all. Contrast that to today’s situation, where the traditional family unit has been replaced by all sorts of different configurations: solo parents, no children, lots of children… the list goes on. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you what dire news this is for our species.

These days it’s even possible for a man and a man to live together, or a woman and a woman. Clearly this will destroy society in ways that are so obvious that it’s not even worth mentioning. And, in further confusion of the family unit, some of these people even want to adopt children of their own. It’s plain to see that we are only a hair’s breadth away from the complete implosion of humanity itself. Of course, family values are being worn away in more subtle ways as well: parents being told by the government that they’re not allowed to hit their own children; high-school students being taught about the importance of safe sex; ethnic foods becoming a more common part of our diet. I don’t need to spell it out for you: the end of the human race is almost upon us.

Imagine our children growing up in a world where all the value-eroding things mentioned above are commonplace. Imagine what the acceptance of these things will do to future generations. Yep, I’m sure you’ve got a pretty clear idea of exactly how things are going to pan out from here. I don’t need to waste valuable column inches explaining why mankind is destined for an early extinction if these sort of things keep up. Soon there won’t be a future to imagine at all, because it’ll all be gone, our world torn apart by a society that didn’t take family values seriously enough. If we want humanity to survive, we all have to work to restore traditional family values to their rightful place as the cornerstone of our lives. I’m sure you don’t need me to explain why this is so important. You fill in the blanks.

Scenario #5: Pandemic

(Apocalypse How? #5, 2010)

It seems a year can’t go by without the threat of another pandemic, each one promised to have a more devastating effect than the last: bird flu. Swine flu. Bieber fever. And yet things never quite turn out to be as bad as expected, life inevitably goes on and we all brush it off as a bit of over-zealous media hype. In many ways, this is fair enough: it’s a well-known fact that our newsrooms are stuffed full of journalists practically falling over themselves for an opportunity to blow even the most mundane events into stories of epic proportion (I’m looking at you, Duncan Garner from 3 News), and I’m sure these pandemic scares offer them some much-needed variety from the daily grind of thrusting cameras into grieving relatives’ faces and thinking of tasteless ways to introduce their next story.  

But just because our mainstream news is sliding towards forehead-slapping new lows doesn’t mean that a pandemic couldn’t still happen. Could it be that our jaded attitude towards an increasingly sensationalist media is blinding us to the fact that a killer virus could sweep the globe and kill us at literally any second?! Think about it: there could be a shifty-looking rotavirus charging up to your door right now, just waiting to get all up inside you and have a bit of how’s-your-father with your immune system.

Then, of course, there is the small but very real possibly that a virus could spread through the human populace and turn its victims into brain-dead, flesh-eating monsters, creating a sort of ‘zombie apocalypse’. Perhaps what is most disturbing about this scenario is the number of people who are secretly looking forward to it happening: slightly unhinged folks who just can’t wait to load up on baseball bats and chainsaws and mow down some zombies for the good of humanity. But while the thought of taking down zombified versions of childhood bullies or Duncan Garner from 3 News may be tempting to some, I’m sure most of us can agree that a zombie-free future would be the more pleasant option.

In short, we need to be vigilant about our health at all times. To help stave off any deadly infections, I would advise following these simple steps: 1) Wash your hands before, after and during meals. 2) Always remember “five plus a day”: that’s five hours of sleep a night, plus an extra hour in case of emergencies. 3) Wear a protective face mask at all times to prevent the ingestion of flu germs, noxious gases and solid foods. 4) Lather, rinse, spin, repeat. 5)  Don’t get yourself wet, and, whatever you do, never feed yourself after midnight. If we stick to these steps then maybe these pandemic scares will become a thing of the past. Zombie-hunting enthusiasts will be forced to hang up their anticipatory shotguns, while the news media will continue their slide into the proverbial toilet unnoticed. We can only hope.

Scenario #4: Robots

(Apocalypse How? #4, 2010)

Ever since the dawn of technology, when people realised they could use tools instead of small orphans to perform everyday tasks, there has been concern that these implements could turn on their human masters. In the past people feared simple things, such as being threshed to death by their own wheat thresher or attacked by a sentient windmill, but as our technology grew more elaborate so too did our paranoid scenarios. With the advent of robotic technology in the early 20^th century, it didn’t take much for the public to concoct terrifying visions of these robots growing vastly more powerful than their makers and terrorising humanity. These fears have been reflected in our popular culture, which has been rife with robot-based apocalyptic visions. We all know the stories: robots attempt to wipe out all humans (I, Robot); robots use humans in giant energy farms (The Matrix); a cold, emotionless robot tells hordes of human drones how to think, feel and act (Oprah).

Of course, many of these ideas hark back to a time when everyone assumed that robots would continue to grow larger and more human-like, performing all our household chores for us while expressing bewilderment at the thing we humans call ‘emotion’. You don’t need to watch embarrassingly outdated clips of Beyond 2000 to see just how differently things have turned out: after a few awkward trips to Uncanny Valley, humans decided that they didn’t want wisecracking robot maids after all. Instead, we opted to focus on making technology smaller, putting time into finding ways to carry thousands of hours of music around in your pocket, or to fit all four seasons of Alf on to a computer chip the size of a small nut.

So, it looks as though we won’t be facing down hordes of ten-foot high killer robots any time soon. But could a robot apocalypse, or ‘robocalypse’, still happen? Well, yes. It’s always a shame to see a perfectly good doomsday scenario go to waste, so some folks have put a new twist on an old classic by proposing that it may in fact be very small robots that will prove to be our undoing. They see a future in which swarms of tiny nanobots programmed to consume certain types of matter – such as oil from a spill or unsightly vomit stains on George street – could go wildly out of control and instead consume all living material on earth, turning the entire planet to dust in a matter of days. Indeed, it seems that as technology gets smaller, the robocalyptic scenarios just become more and more terrifying.

Of course, this is all speculation and we may never reach that point. Just in case, however, I recommend boycotting all forms of small, convenient technology. Dust off your old  Macintosh 128K and get your box of cassette tapes down from the attic. Come on, I know you’ve got Ace of Base’s Happy Nation hiding away up there. Oh no, wait, that’s me. Never mind.

Scenario #3: Asteroid Strike!

(Apocalypse How? #3, 2010)

Asteroids: where do they come from? Where are they going? These bizarre flying lumps of rock have perplexed mankind for centuries (almost as much as fucking magnets: just how do they work?) and are as dangerous as they are mysterious. Like a drunken munter who’s just been kicked out of South Bar, asteroids lurch aimlessly about the galaxy, wreaking terrible destruction upon anyone unfortunate enough to get in their way. An asteroid hitting Earth would mess our shit up in a profoundly devastating fashion: the ground would shake, giant waves would take out entire continents, and dust clouds would cover the sky, plunging the earth into darkness and causing a lot of fumbling around and general tripping-over of things. Yessir, it would be a real-life Armageddon – just like in that movie, Deep Impact.

Most experts agree that the chances of an asteroid hitting Earth are pretty slim, but I wouldn’t get too smug about it just yet. Yes, I know it’s fun to point up at the night sky and laugh, believing that we’re safe here on Earth and those pathetic little asteroids can’t do anything about it. And sure, according to ‘science’ the odds are stacked in our favour, but don’t get too comfortable. You see, with every Justin Bieber video watched, and every racist comment made on YouTube, humanity is tempting fate. Just because being wiped out by an asteroid is unlikely doesn’t mean the universe won’t do it anyway in a fit of poetic justice.

Let’s not forget about our reptilian friends the dinosaurs. I’m sure they were equally smug about the whole ‘existence’ thing, doing all sorts of perverted prehistoric shit that we can’t even imagine (try as we might), and then BAM! – a huge asteroid gets all up in their coelacanths. Remember, these were not small and slightly grotesque puppets like on that terrible 90s sitcom Dinosaurs: these were massive lizards with teeth and everything. An average dinosaur could easily kill a human, yet every single dinosaur in existence was taken down by a single asteroid: even those of us with a shaky grasp on logic can see that humans don’t rank too well in the ol’ human-dinosaur-asteroid hierarchy.

These days dinosaurs are a pretty miserable bunch, standing around in museums, missing their flesh and vital organs and generally not doing a whole lot. Do we want to end up like that? Probably not, unless that kind of stuff floats your boat. So even though scientists will tell you that the chances of being bombarded by fiery death from above are almost non-existent, just be aware that with every Nickelback album you buy you are tempting fate, practically begging it to come and wipe us off the face of the planet.

Scenario #2: Obesity

(Apocalypse How? #2, 2010)

As a species, mankind is steadily growing more and more overweight, and who can blame us? The number of irresistible fatty treats companies keep pumping out is growing and we are powerless to do anything about it. Who hasn’t seen an ad for KFC’s new Triple XXXtreme Deluxe Cheese-flavoured Meat Slab and proclaimed “yes, I will cram this exciting new salty morsel down my throat with due haste!”?  But of course, we can’t blame the companies alone for this state of affairs: they are simply responding to an insatiable public, one forever demanding more flavours, more kinds of bacon, more deliciousness! And so on and on we go, caught in a vicious unending cycle like the proverbial snake eating its own tail – a tail made of delicious, delicious savoury treats.

All this would be fine, of course, if it wasn’t for one little problem. You see, there is a small but genuine concern among geophysicists that the ballooning weight of our combined population may soon cause the earth’s crust to shatter and collapse in on itself, ending life as we know it. The thing is, the crust just wasn’t designed to hold so many people in the first place, and not only has the world’s population gotten way out of hand but people now weigh almost ten times as much as they did back in those medieval times when everyone was really short and stuff.

Scientists are particularly concerned as this has been a rough year for the earth’s crust: several earthquakes have left it feeling pretty shaken and vulnerable, and to be honest it has no time for people clomping about noisily on its surface. Imagine living in an apartment below several billion overweight tenants and you may have some idea of the trauma the earth’s crust is going through. Indeed, it’s only a matter of time before it gives in and we all find ourselves hurtling through various layers of strata towards fiery hot magma and certain death.

So, people, it’s time to slow down. Treat the earth’s crust with some respect, and think before the next time you are tempted to shove another greasy snack down your gullet. Christ, even eat a piece of fruit or something, if that’s what it’ll take to save us from planetary implosion. When the apocalypse is involved, we all have to make sacrifices of one sort or another.

Scenario #1: Nuclear War

(Apocalypse How? #1, 2010)

All good things must come to an end, and sadly this applies not only to, say, a delicious sandwich, but also to the very fabric of existence itself. Yeah, it’s kind of a bummer, but let’s face it: we’ve all known it’s been coming for a while. We’ve all seen the warning signs. Worldwide recession; overpopulation; pandemic scares; the reformation of Creed. The apocalypse is coming soon my friends, and it’s time we stopped shying away from the big questions. In what way will humanity meet its ultimate demise? What can we do to save ourselves? And can a guy who’s been writing for this magazine for way too long provide some kind of ‘humorous’ spin on the different possible scenarios? None of these questions have quick and easy answers, but I hope to at least provide some solace to those who are slightly miffed at the idea of meeting their untimely end.

Let’s start with the obvious one: nuclear war. This has been a popular apocalyptic scenario since the 1950s, and while its popularity has decreased in recent years it still ranks fairly high in the ‘things that make people shit their pants’ stakes. For good reason, too: right now, there are enough nuclear weapons in the world to instantly vaporize every human, animal, plant and Tony Veitch living today. There’d even be enough power left over to destroy any life that may exist on other planets, as well as on parallel-universe versions of our own planet – including that one where your novelty hip-hop single went straight to number one instead of selling only three copies.

While the thought of instant vaporization may be enough to temporarily distract you from writing yet another brain-dead status update on Facebook, how many of you have seriously thought about protecting yourself from this very real concern? How many of you have actually taken the time to sew lead linings onto the inside of your jeans, or to build a secret underground bunker filled with a lifetime’s supply of miscellaneous canned goods? For too long we have thought of the apocalypse as being “something that happens to other people” and carried on with our daily lives. Well, I’ve got news for ya, buddy: the apocalypse can sense your apathy, and that only makes it more angry. It can and will strike at any moment, and when it does you’d better be ready. You have been warned.

Unknown Artist, The Album That Will Change Your Life

(Albums the World Forgot #14, 2010)


Unknown Artist, The Album That Will Change Your Life (year unknown)

Over the past fourteen weeks we have seen many albums that, for one reason or another, have been forgotten by the world. We have seen artists who tried something new and daring only to be rejected by their own fans, great musicians who were unfairly labelled ‘one-hit wonders’, and once-popular styles that the world has simply moved on from. We’ve seen albums that weren’t given a chance because they didn’t fit into society’s idea of ‘good music’; albums unfairly dismissed as “a steaming pile of shit that no one should ever, under any circumstances, even think of listening to.”

I have tried to reverse this injustice in the hope that these amazing works will finally be given proper recognition and take the place of less-deserving ‘classics’ like OK Computer and Abbey Road. I hope this column has inspired you to seek out these great albums and discover the magic for yourself. Perhaps, through our hard work, artists like Baha Men and Vanilla Ice will once again get the respect they truly deserve.

However, we can’t stop there. Who knows how many more albums will be forgotten by our cruel, uncaring world, ready to instantly reject anything that doesn’t fall within the bounds of what is deemed ‘acceptable’? Who knows how many truly amazing works will be lost, thrown into life’s bargain bin before we even get the chance to hear them? I know I’ve had several albums change my life: I’ll never forget the first time I heard Silver Side Up and realised that the fourth-wave grunge paradigm had been changed forever. But what if you never hear the album that is destined to change your life?

This is why I urge you all to remain vigilant. Don’t let another great album suffer the same fate as the ones I have written about. Keep digging through clearance bins, crates at second-hand record fairs, your parents’ CD collection. Don’t be put off by poorly designed cover art or obvious spelling errors: there is a real chance that a life-changing experience awaits. We must raise awareness about these albums that everyone else has given up on. If we all put in the effort, together we can un-forget these albums forgotten by the world.

Various Artists, Yodelling From the Mountains

(Albums the World Forgot #13, 2010)


Various Artists, Yodelling From the Mountains (Carinia Records, year unknown)

When done well, a compilation is more than a mere collection of songs. A skilled compiler can arrange a series of tunes in a way that the whole is much greater than the sum of its parts, whether they are summarising the cultural landscape (the groundbreaking Now That’s What I Call Music! series) or evoking the feel of a specific time or place (the excellent The Best Beer Drinking Songs in the World Ever [Volume Two]).

When compiling Yodelling From the Mountains, the producers faced a formidable task: how to best convey the breathtaking splendour of the Swiss Alps in a single record? In less capable hands, it could have been a disaster. Thankfully, the uncredited creators of the album were able to assemble an all-star cast of master yodellers (or meisterjodlers) for what would become a yodelling tour de force. It’s no surprise that big-name yodeller Lois Kerschbaumer (with the Walter Ruggenthaler Trio) contributes no less than three tracks, including seminal yodels Kannst du Jodeln? (Can You Yodel?) and Kuckucksjodler (Cuckoo Yodeller). However, yodelling aficionados may also be pleased to see the inclusion of lesser-known yodellers Midi Berchtold (with the Bemsi Trio) and Otto and Uschi Biersack.

Not content with restricting itself to pure yodelling, Yodelling From the Mountains also contains a varied selection of folk songs, marches and polkas. What’s that, I hear you ask? No plattlers? Oh, you’d better believe there are plattlers: not one, but two, including the classic Zirler Glockenplattler. You could swear they were slapping their thighs in your own living room! And let’s not forget the beautiful landlers that close each side of the record: the tuba playing on Sterzinger Lander is particularly exquisite.

With an album full of yodelling heavyweights such as this, Yodelling From the Mountains seemed destined to become a classic. Yet outside of yodelling circles it has all but been forgotten. How do such things happen? Perhaps in today’s fast-paced world people just aren’t prepared to sit and let themselves be transported to a faraway land of frosty peaks and majestic alpenhorns. It’s a sad day when you ask a person on the street “kannst du jodeln?” and are greeted with a blank stare – I can only hope that future generations will once again understand the pure pleasure of yodelling from the mountains.

Vanilla Ice, Hard To Swallow

(Albums the World Forgot #12, 2010)


Vanilla Ice, Hard To Swallow (1998, Republic)

What do you do when you’ve suddenly become the biggest hip-hop star in the world? This was the problem faced by Rob Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice, after the release of his 1990 breakthrough single Ice Ice Baby. Van Winkle’s infectious party jam sold millions of copies and was the first hip-hop single to top the Billboard charts, leaving the world in eager anticipation for what would come next. However, the rapper failed to produce anything that resonated with the public as strongly as his debut single, leading many to quickly dismiss him as merely a ‘novelty act’.

After years trying to replicate the success of Ice Ice Baby, Van Winkle decided to try a different approach: he would radically reinvent himself, taking the classic hip-hop sound of his earlier work and fusing it with heavy metal, creating the genre known today as ‘rap-metal.’ This heavier sound allowed Van Winkel to explore darker themes, such as his abusive childhood and drug addiction, all of which appear on his groundbreaking 1998 album Hard to Swallow.

The album sees Van Winkle lashing out at those who claimed he was nothing but a one-hit wonder: “Fuck you, there ain’t nothing you can do / You whack bastard, there ain’t nothing you can do” he raps on the powerful (yet confusingly-titled) Fuck Me. But there are some tender moments hidden amongst the aggression: “Whatcha tryin’ to do, make the Ice melt? / Don’t you know my cream is good for your health?” he coos on sensual slow-jam The Horny Song.

Hard to Swallow cemented Van Winkle’s place as a serious recording artist and allowed him to finally escape the shadow of Ice Ice Baby. He even included a heavy-metal version of that very song on the album, to prove how far he’d come since then, or something. Sadly, this was not enough to revive Van Winkel’s flagging career, and while he has continued to release albums, including 2001’s excellent Hot Sex and the upcoming WTF (scheduled for release this month), he has largely been forgotten outside of his one big hit. But like it or not, this ‘novelty act’ has been responsible for paving the way for some of the greatest rap-metal groups of our time – such as Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park – so you have to give him credit for that, even if you find it a little hard to swallow.

Glay, Unity Roots & Family, Away

(Albums the World Forgot #11, 2010)

Glay, Unity Roots & Family, Away (2002, Pony Canyon)

Everyone in the music business hopes to make it big someday, to have their face on the cover of The Rolling Stones magazine and their songs played on More FM. But can fame bring you true happiness? Try asking Japanese pop supergroup Glay. In the late ’90s, Glay was the biggest name in the J-Pop scene, having sold over forty million records and released seven #1 albums, as well as starring in their own television show and having songs featured in advertisements for NTT, Meiji, KDDI, the East Japan Railway Company and countless other big-name brands.

With such success, you would imagine Glay were on top of the world. Not so. In 1999, despite having their faces printed on the side of several Japan Airlines jumbo jets, the band claimed they felt “empty” and considered breaking up. They soon retreated from the spotlight and decided to work on something that would erase the void in their hearts that fame had failed to fill.

In 2002, they released the down-tempo Unity Roots & Family, Away. A stark departure from their signature bouncy J-pop sound, Unity was a record of slow, soulful songs focusing on family and friends. Gospel-tinged opener “We All Feel His Strength of Tender” sets the tone for the rest of the album: “Smile, smiles makes [sic] me happy / don’t be afraid, don’t worry kiss me” lead singer Teruhiko Kobashi croons, exuding the new-found peace within the band. Other highlights include slow-burning ballad “girlish MOON” and “Karera no HOLY X’MAS”, a tender Christmas-themed tune that would make even the Trans-Siberian Orchestra proud. However, Glay save the best until last with closing track “ALL STANDARD IS YOU ~END ROLL~”, in which guest rapper MC Headcrack laments: “The life of a hood nigga, heartbroken, still copin’ / shed so many tears got me soakin’ wet,” a hard-hitting couplet that serves as the logical conclusion to an album by a Japanese supergroup coming to terms with their millionaire lifestyle.

Unsurprisingly, the Japanese public were not impressed with Glay’s new softer, introspective sound. Despite going straight to number one, the album sold a paltry 400,000 copies, a far cry from the 2.5 million copies sold by earlier albums. This didn’t faze Glay, however, as they’d reached a point where they no longer needed the approval of their fans. Indeed, they felt the strength of tender from a higher place.

Graham Turner, Melodies For Millions

(Albums the World Forgot #10, 2010)


Graham Turner, Melodies For Millions: A Tribute to Kenny G

(2003, Luxury Multimedia Ltd.)

Sometimes a musician affects you so strongly, so intensely – indeed, penetrates your soul so deeply – that you feel you must pay tribute to them. This is clearly the way Graham Turner felt about Kenneth Gorelick (known to most of us as Kenny G ) when he decided to make the tribute album Melodies For Millions: A Tribute to Kenny G. If there was ever a musician to provoke strong reactions from the very depths of one’s soul, it would be Gorelick. The curly-haired saxophonist has gained international recognition for being the world’s most famous – and highest-selling – jazz artist of all time, literally selling melodies for millions of dollars, to millions of people.

Though Gorelick has had many hits over the years, he is perhaps most well-known within the jazz community for his groundbreaking version of Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World, in which he took the original recording and replaced Armstrong’s trumpet solo with his own. One of the many jazz musicians moved by this version was guitarist Pat Metheney, who commended Gorelick on his “musical necrophilia”, saying: “[W]hen Kenny G decided that it was appropriate for him to…  [play] all over one of the great Louis' tracks… [he] created a new… point in modern culture[.]”

While not as vocal as Metheney, Turner has clearly been affected by Gorelick’s music in his own way. Not much is known about Turner, and the scant liner notes give nothing away: even his name is hidden away on the inside cover, as if he were afraid of drawing attention away from his hero. Over the course of the album, Turner reproduces several of Gorelick’s classic reproductions of popular songs, such as My Heart Will Go On and Kiss From a Rose, as well as many favourite Gorelick originals. Turner even emulates Gorelick’s sax sound, capturing the shrill tone and smooth, emotionless playing that makes Gorelick’s recordings so distinctive.

So does this recording offer anything new to your average Gorelick fan who already owns the entire collection of Gorelick classics? Not really, but then I don’t believe that was Turner’s intention in the first place. All he wanted to do was pay tribute to a musical legend, and with the help of Luxury Multimedia Ltd., he was able to turn his dream into a reality. If that’s not worth a million dollars, I don’t know what is.

Allan Gardiner’s Accordion Band, Let’s Have a Party

(Albums the World Forgot #9, 2010)


Allan Gardiner’s Accordion Band, Let’s Have a Party (EMI, year unknown)

These days, so much of our music is gloomy and depressing. Hip-hop artists rap about tough life on the streets and ‘capping’ each other for ‘bling’, while rock singers all moan about the price of fame and being misunderstood by the world. People seem to have forgotten that music is supposed to make us happy, to bring that little bit of sunshine into our otherwise miserable lives.

One person who truly appreciated the joyous power of music was Allan Gardiner, a true-blue Southlander who wouldn’t have a bar of all the moaning and whining that goes on these days. Let’s Have a Party was Gardiner’s third recording with his eponymous accordion band, and the cover alone promises endless good times: we see not one, but four accordion players, all in a state of accordion-induced ecstasy. Balloons adorn the ceiling; the piano player is even holding a balloon! Could this be the happiest record ever?

Gardiner was clearly trying to compete with the earlier accordion classic, Accordion Party: 50 Golden Greats, which featured seven accordionists on the cover and proclaimed itself “the happiest record ever.” So, does Gardiner’s Kiwi take on the accordion-party genre stack up? Well, despite the fact that it contains three fewer accordion players and ten fewer golden greats, I’m pleased to say that  Let’s Have a Party beats the competition in all other aspects. Every note on the record explodes with pure joy, as Gardiner and his band of happy accordionists play through old favourites like She’ll Be Coming ’Round the Mountain, Camptown Races and I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Cocoanuts [sic] with such ebullience that you almost forget about all the horrific things going on in the world today. Almost.

True to the liner notes, the album showcases “Mr. Gardiner’s love of old tunes and steady rhythm which makes an irresistable [sic] combination.” But it does more than that: it takes you back to a simpler, happier time, when musicians weren’t so preoccupied with the negative side of life. Sadly, such music is hard to come by these days. I was lucky enough that one Barry Begley of Outram decided to sell his (personally-stamped) copy of Let’s Have a Party so that others could share in the joy of non-stop accordion medleys; I can only hope that Barry Begley, or someone like him, can bring joy into your life too.

Kevin Federline, Playing With Fire

(Albums the World Forgot #8, 2010)


Kevin Federline, Playing With Fire (2006, Federation Records)

In today’s enlightened world, where even a black man can be elected president of the United States, it’s tempting to think that the days of racial division are long behind us. While this is true for the most part, there is still one area of society in which such barriers still stand: I’m talking, of course, about rap music, where the number of white rappers who have made it big can be counted on one hand. To the list of those who didn’t make it, we can add one Kevin Federline, a talented young rapper who was unfairly ridiculed simply because he ‘didn’t belong’. Never mind that he shared the same rags-to-riches story with so many acclaimed rappers, working his way up from a lowly backup dancer to a self-proclaimed “superstar” who “married a superstar” (pop starlet Brittany Spears).

Federline first burst on to the rap scene in late 2005 with his scathing diatribe Y’all Ain’t Ready, in which he claimed that his forward-thinking style was “straight 2008”. That was soon followed by the aptly named Playing With Fire, an album that took risks on multiple levels. For starters, there was the innovative production, which Federline describes as “hip-hop flavour mixed with a little bit of rock ‘n’ roll”, an unlikely combination scarcely attempted before or since. Then there was Federline’s peerless wordplay: “Step up in the club so fresh and clean / [I’m] not the outcast that they label me” he raps in Lose Control, not only a reference to his ostracisation by the hip-hop community but also a nod to fellow hip-hop innovators Outkast.

Having taken so many risks, Federline seemed almost ready for the negative backlash, his defensive stance reflected in tracks like America’s Most Hated and Middle Finger Up.  Indeed, the album was not received well: it was universally panned by critics and sold a mere 16,000 copies before being discontinued. Federline had trouble attracting people to shows, even when tickets were given away, and several dates had to be cancelled.

Ultimately, Federline was too far ahead of his time. Perhaps ten years from now, when people are no longer blinded by the colour of a person’s skin, Playing With Fire will get the recognition it deserves. It seems Federline was right when he lamented “y’all ain’t ready”; I can only hope that someday we will have progressed to the point where we all is ready.

Trans-Siberian Orchestra, The Lost Christmas Eve

(Albums the World Forgot #7, 2010)


Trans-Siberian Orchestra, The Lost Christmas Eve (2004, Lava)

Christmas is a wonderful time, hampered only by the fact that we are doomed to hear the same old Christmas carols being played again and again. However, one group has dedicated itself to updating our stuffy festive-music catalogue: the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, or ‘TSO’ for short. Of course, TSO is not an orchestra at all, but in fact a group of technically-proficient musicians with a penchant for playing traditional Christmas songs in a symphonic-metal style – a sound they perfected on The Lost Christmas Eve, their final album in a trio of Christmas-themed concept albums dubbed the ‘Christmas Trilogy’

Running at almost 70 minutes, The Lost Christmas Eve is packed full of festive magic and instrumental prowess. The album contains many thrilling and long-overdue updates of traditional Christmas carols: you haven’t heard The First Noel until you’ve heard the melody being played simultaneously on two wailing guitars. There are also plenty of original tracks, such as Christmas Jam, Christmas Jazz and Christmas Canon Rock, which prove that TSO can master any style (when played in the context of a Christmas-themed narrative).

Over the course of 23 tracks, The Lost Christmas Eve weaves a rich tale about an angel sent from heaven to save a man who hates Christmas, his wounded heart leaving a trail of blood in the snow that only the angel can see. “Why can’t Christmas disappear / and pretend it never saw me?” vocalist Robert Evan laments in the heart-breaking What is Christmas?, his powerful tenor and intense emotion rivalling even the most expressive Broadway actor’s.

Clearly this is a magical album, so why don’t we hear The Lost Christmas Eve being played as we go about our Christmas shopping? Perhaps adults were just too cynical to enjoy the album’s wide-eyed innocence and childish narrative, while children were too impatient to sit through the long and technical instrumental passages. Perhaps too many people dismissed it as some kind of elaborate joke (which, I can assure you, it isn’t) or simply proclaimed it “the shittiest bunch of shit you could ever possibly imagine, honestly, it's that bad” without opening their hearts to the Yuletide magic contained within. But despite their lack of fame, TSO still enjoy a small and loyal following (of mostly grown men) who truly believe that they are, in the words of one fan, “the best Christmas band in the world.” I find it hard to disagree.