Recently
there has been a lot in the media about this so-called ‘man-made global
warming’, which, of all the apocalyptic scenarios we’ve seen so far, seems to
be the most realistic. We’ve all heard the dire predictions that have been made
for the future of our planet if things continue on their current course:
disappearing island nations, increasingly extreme weather patterns, perhaps
even the end of humanity as we know it.
Having
heard these alarming predictions, I was starting to get a little worried about
the whole thing. Thankfully, there’s no need to panic: I can now tell you with
100% confidence that everything’s going to be okay. You see, I did a little
research online about this whole ‘global warming’ thing and to be honest, it
all seems a little far-fetched. For example, I found a climate-change skeptic
blog that offered a small number of pseudo-scientific reasons why global
warming may not be real after all. So, I’m convinced. Never mind that I have no
real background in scientific research, let alone the highly specialised fields
that climate scientists are working in – there’s no reason why my opinion
shouldn’t be as valid as theirs. Hey, that’s what free speech is all about,
right? All opinions should be respected and given equal weight, even if the
people holding them aren’t ‘qualified scientists’ or ‘know what they’re talking
about’.
I
know what you’re thinking. How could it be that so many of the world’s top
scientists – experts in their respective fields, some of whom have been working
on this for decades – could have got it so wrong, whereas yours truly, some guy
who did a bit of casual research about it on the internet, could have the whole
thing totally sussed out? Well you see, man-made global warming is just a
theory, like the theory of gravity, or Pythagoras’ Theorem. No matter how good
a theory may seem to these ‘experts’, all it takes is one small piece of data
that doesn’t quite fit and BAM! Everything about the theory becomes redundant.
That’s why I’ve decided to dedicate myself to bothering real scientists with
trivial pieces of ‘counter-evidence’ until they finally see that they’ve made a
huge mistake. Don’t forget about the volcanoes, guys!
Hey,
did I mention that it’s also a giant conspiracy by the liberal media to force
us to conform to their political ideology?
Even
if, by some slim chance, global warming is really happening, we don’t actually
need to do anything about it – we’ll just sit back and let the market take care
of it. Good old ‘the market’, it solves everything! Financial problems? The
market will sort it out! Some guy fucking your wife? The market will sort it
out! So ignore all those people who like to tell you that the future of the
planet is uncertain and encourage you to use less plastic bags, ride on public
transport, not shave your legs, blah blah blah… It’s gonna be sweet, bro. Trust
me.
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