Scenario #10: The Black Eyed Peas

(Apocalypse How? #10, 2010)

So far we’ve looked at some pretty terrifying apocalyptic scenarios, but if you thought the idea of being instantly vaporised or crushed from above was bad, then wait ’til you hear this one. In fact, I hesitate to even call it a ‘scenario’ since it has already begun. I’m talking, of course, about the rise of apocalyptic noise collective Black Eyed Peas, a group that is single-mindedly determined to end life as we know it.

The Peas’ plan, while brutally sadistic, has been nothing short of genius. They innocuously dropped themselves on an unsuspecting public in the late ’90s with their agreeable brand of backpacker hip-hop, fooling critics and music fans alike into thinking they were just another harmless quasi-underground collective. Then, in early 2003, the Black Eyed Peas suddenly added something called a ‘Fergie’ to their line-up and mutated into slick dance-pop merchants without warning. While those who were familiar with their earlier work started to become suspicious, the general public was unaware that anything was amiss, cramming the Peas’ pop confection down their throats as fast as they could.

Once the Peas had their hooks into the general populace there was no turning back. Their first attempt at destroying humanity came in 2005, with their noxious release ‘My Humps’. While this abomination did flatten large chunks of Eastern Europe, it miraculously failed on a larger scale, despite multiple references to ‘lovely lady lumps’ and ‘milky milky cocoa puffs’. Undeterred, these insane shit-purveyors have tried again and again, with soul-destroying semi-ballistic abominations such as ‘Boom Boom Pow’ and ‘I Gotta Feeling’. So far the world has stayed intact, but for how long?

While it’s clear that the Black Eyed Peas are trying to kill us all, what’s not so obvious is why. However, one theory that has been gaining traction is that the Peas are actually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, come to punish humanity for their terrible taste in music: will.i.am is war, Taboo is famine, apl.de.ap is pestilence and Fergie, naturally, is death. And also the horses. I tell you, one night very soon we will all be awoken by the sound of thundering hooves, burning flesh and ultra-processed vocals, and we will peer out the window to see Fergie galloping overhead, framed by a blood-red sky, emitting a banshee-like screech so terrifying that this time you will wet your pants.

So how can we stop the inevitable destruction of the world at the hands of the Black Eyed Peas? Well, the only option left is to destroy them and every second of ‘music’ they have ever produced. Yes, even their old stuff. I know that may sound a little extreme, but please keep in mind that these are not humans but mythical figures sent to reduce the Earth to a smouldering pile of rubble. It won’t be easy to take them down, but just remember this: “what you gonna do with all them breasts, all them breasts inside that shirt?” The Peas want us dead: it’s either them or us.