Animals:
we all love ’em, but in many ways humanity has been quite rough on our furry
little friends throughout the ages. Sure, we like to pet them and hug them, but
we also like to eat them, wear them, ride them, test makeup on them, and
occasionally shoot them into space. In short, the animal kingdom is kind of our
bitch; the Colmes to our Hannity; the Rob Schneider to our Adam Sandler. But
what if one day the animals were to reverse this great injustice and try to
take the place of humans as the dominant species on the planet?
Our
popular culture has already given us terrifying glimpses of animals acting as
if they were people: Mister Ed, the talking horse; those chimpanzees in the PG
Tips ads; Rambo III. But could
animals ever really rise up and take our place? Most would agree that our
greatest threat comes from our fellow primates, or what scientists refer to as
the ‘monkey family’. Monkeys are generally quite smart, have the ever-so-useful
opposable thumb and can even perform primitive tasks, such as fashioning
rudimentary tools or writing an article for the ODT. Perhaps it’s not so hard to imagine that, with a little effort
and determination, they could develop sufficient tools to overthrow humanity,
just like in Planet of the Apes. (Ummm…
retroactive spoiler warning?)
Of
course, primates aren’t the only animals we need to worry about. Let’s not
forget our so-called ‘pals’ the dolphins, who are also extremely intelligent
and just begging for an excuse to come and show humanity who’s the boss, Tony
Danza- style. Shit, they can even breathe air – all they have to do is figure
out some way of walking on land (which can’t be that hard) and we’re toast. I
also hear they’re good pals with the whales, which is not good news…
Now
cast your mind to even more terrifying, yet equally plausible, scenarios:
wildebeest evolving ten extra legs and trampling us all into oblivion!
Twenty-foot-tall ants sending us to toil in their underground sugar caves!
Badgers badgering us to within an inch of our lives! Octopi using their
tentacles to suck the eyeballs out of our very heads! No one would be spared!
And yet, in a way, we would deserve it, as payback for all the terrible things
we have done to them.
So,
perhaps it is time we started treating the animal kingdom with a little more
respect. Maybe cut back on those mink scarves you love so much. Try ordering a
double Quarter Pounder instead of a triple. Hug a horse. Maybe if we learn to
love our animal friends then they will be able to resist the urge to evolve
into hyper-intelligent super-animals and kill us all. So, readers, I urge you
all to heed these words of warning, lest you wish to be kicked to death by some
kind of intelligent mule.
No comments:
Post a Comment