Scenario #2: Obesity

(Apocalypse How? #2, 2010)

As a species, mankind is steadily growing more and more overweight, and who can blame us? The number of irresistible fatty treats companies keep pumping out is growing and we are powerless to do anything about it. Who hasn’t seen an ad for KFC’s new Triple XXXtreme Deluxe Cheese-flavoured Meat Slab and proclaimed “yes, I will cram this exciting new salty morsel down my throat with due haste!”?  But of course, we can’t blame the companies alone for this state of affairs: they are simply responding to an insatiable public, one forever demanding more flavours, more kinds of bacon, more deliciousness! And so on and on we go, caught in a vicious unending cycle like the proverbial snake eating its own tail – a tail made of delicious, delicious savoury treats.

All this would be fine, of course, if it wasn’t for one little problem. You see, there is a small but genuine concern among geophysicists that the ballooning weight of our combined population may soon cause the earth’s crust to shatter and collapse in on itself, ending life as we know it. The thing is, the crust just wasn’t designed to hold so many people in the first place, and not only has the world’s population gotten way out of hand but people now weigh almost ten times as much as they did back in those medieval times when everyone was really short and stuff.

Scientists are particularly concerned as this has been a rough year for the earth’s crust: several earthquakes have left it feeling pretty shaken and vulnerable, and to be honest it has no time for people clomping about noisily on its surface. Imagine living in an apartment below several billion overweight tenants and you may have some idea of the trauma the earth’s crust is going through. Indeed, it’s only a matter of time before it gives in and we all find ourselves hurtling through various layers of strata towards fiery hot magma and certain death.

So, people, it’s time to slow down. Treat the earth’s crust with some respect, and think before the next time you are tempted to shove another greasy snack down your gullet. Christ, even eat a piece of fruit or something, if that’s what it’ll take to save us from planetary implosion. When the apocalypse is involved, we all have to make sacrifices of one sort or another.