Scenario #1: Nuclear War

(Apocalypse How? #1, 2010)

All good things must come to an end, and sadly this applies not only to, say, a delicious sandwich, but also to the very fabric of existence itself. Yeah, it’s kind of a bummer, but let’s face it: we’ve all known it’s been coming for a while. We’ve all seen the warning signs. Worldwide recession; overpopulation; pandemic scares; the reformation of Creed. The apocalypse is coming soon my friends, and it’s time we stopped shying away from the big questions. In what way will humanity meet its ultimate demise? What can we do to save ourselves? And can a guy who’s been writing for this magazine for way too long provide some kind of ‘humorous’ spin on the different possible scenarios? None of these questions have quick and easy answers, but I hope to at least provide some solace to those who are slightly miffed at the idea of meeting their untimely end.

Let’s start with the obvious one: nuclear war. This has been a popular apocalyptic scenario since the 1950s, and while its popularity has decreased in recent years it still ranks fairly high in the ‘things that make people shit their pants’ stakes. For good reason, too: right now, there are enough nuclear weapons in the world to instantly vaporize every human, animal, plant and Tony Veitch living today. There’d even be enough power left over to destroy any life that may exist on other planets, as well as on parallel-universe versions of our own planet – including that one where your novelty hip-hop single went straight to number one instead of selling only three copies.

While the thought of instant vaporization may be enough to temporarily distract you from writing yet another brain-dead status update on Facebook, how many of you have seriously thought about protecting yourself from this very real concern? How many of you have actually taken the time to sew lead linings onto the inside of your jeans, or to build a secret underground bunker filled with a lifetime’s supply of miscellaneous canned goods? For too long we have thought of the apocalypse as being “something that happens to other people” and carried on with our daily lives. Well, I’ve got news for ya, buddy: the apocalypse can sense your apathy, and that only makes it more angry. It can and will strike at any moment, and when it does you’d better be ready. You have been warned.