“...and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air.” – 1 Thessalonians, 4:15-17.
I
know you’re a bit worried about it. I’m a bit worried about it. As much as we
would like to ignore it, the fact remains that at any moment, any time of day
or night, Jesus is going to show up and bring all good Christians up to join
him in heaven, leaving behind all the filthy non-believers in an event known as
‘The Rapture.’ And while the thought of being able to walk through the Link
without being accosted by some dude with a painted-on smile telling you that
you’re going to hell may sound appealing, I can assure you that the
post-Rapture world will not be all sunshine and roses.
You
see, after The Rapture will come The Tribulation, a time in which the
non-believing scum left on Earth will suffer though untold hardship, war, poverty
and natural disasters. Great plagues of indestructible locusts will cause
endless pain. Seas and rivers will turn to blood, nicely complementing the fire
and blood falling from the sky. Massive earthquakes will push mountains into
the sea, the sun will burn people alive and our good pals The Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse – better known to us as the Black Eyed Peas – will turn up to
the party as well. Yes, it will be a time of intense suffering for all the
non-Christians of the world, even the babies. Especially the babies.
Of
course, this is assuming that The Rapture will occur before The Tribulation – that we will experience a ‘Pre-Trib Rapture’, as
those in the know call it. (Really.) However, there are some who believe that
the Rapture will occur some time during The
Tribulation, while others go even further and suggest that The Tribulation has already begun, in which case shit is
about to go bad very soon. It makes a lot of sense when you think about it:
there’s no shortage of war, poverty or natural disasters going around at the
moment, and if Dane Rumble isn’t a sign of the End Times then I don’t know what
is.
Sure,
you may scoff at all this, but then the Bible says that “there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own
lusts and saying, Where is the promise of his coming?” You fool! Can’t you
see that your scoffing only confirms that the end is near? So stop wondering
why a benevolent God would want to kill two-thirds of the world’s population
and start getting pious before it’s too late, lest you be left behind with all
the other damned non-believers. Go get a Bible, pick a verse at random and do
what it says, now! Here, I’ll start it off: “Esther
had not disclosed her race or country, because Mardochaeus had forbidden her to
do so.” Yeah, I can get down with that.
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