All this talk of ‘man-made global warming’, while clearly being false and sucking up precious time and money, is also doing mankind damage in a far more serious way. Every second we spend discussing whether or not the planet is getting warmer is taking focus away from the far more terrifying reality that we are hurtling headlong into another ice age. Forget what the scientists are telling you. Any morning now you could wake up to find yourself frozen to death, along with your family, friends, and that one hot girl who lives across the road from you and made eye contact with you that one time and you could totally tell she was into you, even though she’s avoided you since then and it’s getting a bit awkward.
Ice
ages can be devastating, as we all know from hard-hitting documentaries such as
Ice Age and Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. When an ice age hits, every square
centimetre of the Earth is covered in thick layers of ice, often within a
matter of hours. However, though ice ages are quick to arrive, they have been
known to last for billions, and sometimes trillions, of years. Needless to say,
if an ice age were to hit mankind today the results would be disastrous: all
progress we have made as a society would be lost instantly and our descendants,
if any, would be forced to learn how to make racist YouTube comments from
scratch.
In
order to minimise the harm of a potential ice age, I have personally instituted
the following ten-level warning system to alert citizens when temperatures
start to drop to dangerous levels:
- Level 1: A bit nippy.
- Level 2: Ooh, that’s brisk.
- Level 3: Martha, put the jug on, it’s gettin’ chilly!
- Level 4: Colder than Charlton Heston’s cold, dead hands.
- Level 5: Can’t… feel my face.
- Level 6: Hellooo, frostbite!
- Level 7: Wait, am I in a North East Valley flat?
- Level 8: What’s cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!
- Level 9: Hell has frozen over.
- Level 10: Full-blown ice age up in this bitch.
As soon as you hear the warning system kick into action, you must take preventative action immediately. Put on some Barry White, Marvin Gaye – shit, even some Lionel Richie – so we can get a little bit of heat back into things. That’s right, time to make those flames rise higher baby. Ooh yeah girl, anything we can do to stop ourselves from FREEZING TO DEATH. Of course, sometimes white-hot soul may not be enough to slow the cooling process, in which case it would be best to just put yourself into some sort of humorous pose before you freeze so that whoever discovers you can at least have a bit of a chuckle.
On
the other hand, perhaps we’ll all be fine. Who’s to say in this unpredictable,
ever-changing climate we live in? Anyway, all this talk of ice ages is just
taking time and money away from the real issue: immigrants. Can we trust them?
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