Scenario #14: Anything Could Happen

(Apocalypse How? #14, 2010)

Much like the way the apocalypse could strike us all down in our prime, leaving so many things in life unfinished, so too must this series of columns come to an end before it has fully served its purpose. It is with a heavy heart that I write this final entry, knowing that despite all the advice I have given you on how to prepare for the apocalypse there is still so much left to go over. Though I’ve covered some of the more obvious scenarios – nuclear war, pandemics, the Black Eyed Peas – there are still so many more ways in which we could all meet a grisly end. Realistically, anything could happen at any time, but I will leave you with a handful of the literally infinite number of apocalyptic scenarios that have not already been mentioned.

For a start, it is well-known that the driving urge behind humanity’s existence is the avoidance of awkward situations, an ancient instinct that protects the entire world’s population from having a shared experience so awkward that the Earth would explode from awkwardness. Or perhaps mankind will simply fall over and be unable to get back up. Then there is the fear that humanity will somehow become infertile, leading to a lack of babies and therefore a lack of lunch options for Pope Benedict XVI. Or maybe we will all just be put off sex forever by simultaneously seeing a picture of Paul Holmes naked.

Perhaps all the comments on YouTube will finally coalesce into a giant seething ball of racism and ignorance and run amok throughout the world, devouring everything in its path. Or maybe someone will create a LOLcat so funny that everyone will LOL so hard they are unable to breathe. On the subject of hilarious jokes, perhaps Sarah Palin will be elected president in 2012 and accidentally unleash America’s entire nuclear arsenal on the world after a long night on the moose juice. That is, of course, if Zombie Hitler doesn’t come back and finish us all off first.

The seas could rise, flooding entire continents and making our everyday lives a lot like Sea World, except with less awesome rides and more floating corpses. Or perhaps all the volcanoes will erupt at once, covering everything in liquid hot magma and freeing all the spirits imprisoned within by the tyrannical galactic dictator Xenu. On that note, there is the chance that we will have to fight invading extraterrestrial beings in an extended metaphor for American independence, just like in that movie, Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style. And hey, while we’re here, let’s not forget the possibility that mankind could simply spontaneously combust at any time for no particular reason.

And now, the end times truly have come: after a ridiculous six years contributing to this magazine, I am done. Thanks to Critic and anyone who’s still reading this stuff. I can only hope that the apocalypse will be much faster and less painful.