Brian Dangerfield's Final Thoughts

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #14, 2009)

As the great Bob Dylan once said, “the times, oh, they are changing,” and, like all good things, my time here at Critical Magazine must come to an end. Adapting my popular book Brian Dangerfield’s 15 Steps to Greatness into a series of weekly columns was hard work, but if you took even one thing away from my writing then it was all worth it. Of course, I hope that you were able to find inspiration and practical advice in each of my fifteen steps (except the ones that I cut out).

I must thank Annie Josephs and the other fine people at Critical Magazine for helping me bring my message of greatness to a new generation. I decided to write this column because I was concerned about the state of today’s youth, and since I began things have only become worse: the last few months have seen rioting in the streets, elderly pedestrians shoved into shopping carts, and of course the infamous ‘500 Undies’ event. Clearly, the young people of today need a role model more than ever, and so it is with a heavy heart that I must bid the Critical team farewell. Even though it’s only been fourteen weeks, I feel as if I’ve been writing for this magazine for years.

But writing this series has been as much a journey for me as it has been for you, dear reader. It was an opportunity to relive the glory years of almost twenty years ago: the endless book-signings, the motivational seminars, the bright lights of small-town New Zealand. I must admit, it’s a stark contrast to my current job of stacking empty paint tins at Mitre 10 Mosgiel. Writing this column also made me reflect on the good times I shared with my wife Maria: our life on the road, our unstoppable partnership. Sadly, our relationship has deteriorated somewhat since then. Yes, life is different now than it was in those days, but writing this column, knowing that I was making a difference, has helped get me through these dark times.

Did I mention that my book is still available from www.briandangerfieldbooks.com? I could really do with the money.

But you know, in the last few weeks, I’ve started to realise something. Greatness doesn’t come from having a perfect family, or the fame associated with writing a moderately-selling book, or from making inane chit-chat on breakfast television. At the end of the day, I don’t need any more than my small bungalow in Mosgiel, which I am lucky enough to share with Kalaya, a lovely girl who I met in Thailand. She doesn’t speak much English, but it doesn’t matter. I understand now that true greatness comes from within, from the happiness inside yourself, and you don’t need fifteen steps to understand that.*

*If you do happen to follow my fifteen-step programme and are a success, however, I think it would only be fair that I still receive some of the credit. Please? That would really mean a lot.

STEP 15: Vision

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #13, 2009)

Let’s assume that you’ve stuck with my programme so far. You’re now a well-mannered, cultured young man (or woman) with great communication skills and impeccable personal grooming. You’re not afraid to take a risk when necessary, and the thought of interacting with other people is no longer terrifying. Sounds like you’re finally a success, doesn’t it? Sounds like following my steps really paid off, right? Well, I regret to tell you that reading this column was a complete waste of time. A total joke. A joke, that is, unless you follow my fifteenth and final step, without which everything that came before is worthless.

You see, to succeed in this world you need vision. It doesn’t matter how much of a smooth-talker you are, how many expensive suits you have, or how much hard work and effort you put in. No, what really counts is having the vision to shape your goals and then realise them to their full potential. Would man have landed on the moon, had Neil Armstrong not gazed up at the stars as a small child and declared: “It can be done!”? Could we have the amazing technology we see today, had Alfred Einstein not had the vision to challenge conventional thinking and say that yes, things can travel faster than the speed of light? Would we have all those great songs, had Paul McCartney and a few other likely lads not redefined the definition of ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ with their pioneering group Wings?

If you only take one thing from this series of columns, it should be the importance of true vision. The vision to see a door where others see a wall. The vision to see a blue sky even when the weather forecast predicts a 90% chance of rain. The vision to unwrap your presents when it’s not your birthday. The vision to open your arms to the world and embrace it all: the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the pleasant-smelling and the malodorous. No one can really tell you how to be a success. It can’t be broken down into a series of quick and easy steps. True greatness comes from the vision within you. Only you can decide where you will go in life, and how you will get there. (I don’t mean literally what mode of transport you will take, but more the spiritual journey you will take to reach your goals – though if you are travelling long-distance then I would highly recommend Thai Airways. The food is good and the hostesses are lovely.)

So, this is where I take a step back and let you go. I’ve taken you as far as the beach, now you’ve got to get out and swim. Go on, get in there! Swim out past the breakers, over that flat blue bit and out towards the horizon… of greatness. And when you do finally get to the other side? Tell them Brian sent you. They’ll know what you mean.

STEP 14: Culture

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #12, 2009)

As we barrel toward the end of this run of Critic’s Magazine, time has once again forced me to skip over another step. In this case it’s probably not such a bad thing, since I’m not exactly proud of Step Thirteen. I look back at what I wrote in my original book twenty years ago and cringe; it’s as if I had no idea what I was talking about! Thankfully, I’ve learned from my mistakes and moved on since then.

Now, it is time to turn our attention to the finer things in life. Opera music. Expensive wine. Art. “Oh, I don’t have time for this, Brian!” I hear you say. “I’m far too busy achieving my goals and attaining greatness to indulge in such trivial matters.” Well sir, you are very much mistaken: these things are in fact vital to your success. You see, if you are chatting to your colleagues in the office or having an after-work drink with your friends, you need to be able to discuss cultural concepts in order to become a dynamic member of your group. As interesting as it may be, talking about goals and achievement parameters does seem to annoy people at times! Family members especially.

The following is a list of things that you should come to appreciate and, if possible, enjoy on a regular basis: Carmen’s Bizet (a classic opera!); a cool glass of red wine; the paintings of Van Gogh (who is generally considered to be the best at painting); French words; the smooth jazz stylings of Kenneth Gorelick (better known as Kenny G); books set in old English times; poetry (any of it is good, really); music with violins in it; and Dan Brown’s The Da Vinci Code (not only an exciting read, but it really makes you think about important things like religion and art). Familiarise yourself with the details of these cultural items so you can discuss them at length. Detailed information on each topic can be found in on-line encyclopedias such as Encarta.

It is also very important to recognise what is not culture. Should you make a reference to something that is seen as low-brow, you will lose valuable status points with your peers and/or superiors. Here are a few things that you should avoid at all costs: rap music (if you can call it ‘music’!); television shows with lots of swearing; movies starring that awful man Jim Carrey; heavy rock music (especially the kind with swearing); Jason Gunn; wearing one’s hat backwards (or sideways); and police dramas with lots of guns, and sometimes swearing.

Being able to tell good culture from bad also shows others that you have the skills to discern what is worthy of your time, and what should be dismissed without a further look. Now that I’ve told you what’s good and what isn’t, you’ll be dazzling your associates with your good judgement and interesting conversation in no time! To that, I raise my wine glass and say “cheers!” – or, should I say, bonjour!

STEP 12: Personal Hygiene

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #11, 2009)

I’m sure you were hoping we’d make it to the end of the course without mentioning it, but it has to be done. Yes, you and I need to have a little talk about personal hygiene. No, it’s okay, don’t turn the page! Personal hygiene is a key part of success and nothing to be embarrassed about. Strange odours, bad skin and liquid discharge are but a few of the many things that can cost you the respect of your peers or potential employers, so it is important that we tackle these problems before they become too pungent.

At the risk of sounding like your dad, it’s time for you to take a shower, mister! Showering has been scientifically proven to remove 90% of known odours from your body and is a refreshing way to start your day. For maximum effectiveness, use soap during cleaning and a towel afterwards to remove any excess moisture. It is also important that you clean your teeth every day. This generally requires a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a brisk scrubbing motion. You will have heard that you need to brush three times a day – probably by a ‘qualified’ dentist who is being paid off by the toothpaste companies – but for the life of me I can’t see why anything needs to be cleaned more than once a day, let alone something as strong as a tooth. Just use a little common sense and you’ll be right as rain.

Brushing your teeth also has the unexpected side-effect of freshening your breath. Studies show that employees with pleasant-smelling breath are four times more likely to be successful than those who have undesirable mouth odours or give off a faint sort of vinegary smell. Deodorant can also be an effective way to keep general body odours to a minimum. There’s nothing worse than turning up to work on a hot day, already dripping with sweat and generally unpleasant to be around. This is why I strongly recommend driving to work, preferably with the air-conditioning on, rather than cycling or walking. You owe it to everybody else!

Now, this is getting a little beyond my area of expertise, but ladies: I would advise you to keep your lady problems discreet. There’s nothing your male coworkers want less than to be reminded of your feminine woes, and doing so may cost you important job opportunities. Try to control your behaviour as much as possible. I know the temptation to become irrational and difficult can be strong, but I’m sure you can do it! Just remember that sometimes a little greatness can take a lot of work.

So, next time I see you on the street, I hope to see a winning smile, perfect skin and the confidence that comes with knowing that you are no longer physically repulsive to the people around you. I expect no thanks, although if you could refrain from throwing a bottle at my head that would be nice! Haha - only joking, of course.

STEP 11: Communication

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #10, 2009)

The one thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to communicate. While the warble of a blackbird or the high-pitched squeaks of a dolphin may sound nice, only we humans have turned the sounds we make into the most effective tool known to man: communication. Why is this such a wonderful gift? Well, communication allows us to do all kinds of amazing things, such as sharing ideas, expressing emotion, and negotiating discounts at used-clothing stores. But with such a powerful tool comes a dark side: communication can also be used to insult people, promote hate, and yell obscenities such as “tits out for the boys” from car windows. It is important that we resist the urge to abuse our gift.

Most importantly, though, we need to know how to communicate effectively. Whether in a job interview or just ‘hanging’ with friends, we must have good communication skills. Being able to inform those around you of exactly what you need – and how you need it – to achieve your goals is vital to success. So how does one communicate effectively? First of all, always be sure to clear your throat loudly before communicating, so as to remove any excess materials that may hinder speaking clearly. Be sure not to mumble or talk too quietly – or too loudly, for that matter. Enunciate each syllable clearly. Don’t use slang: you will sound as if you are not taking the situation seriously, and thus others won’t take you seriously. You may be tempted to slip into casual language around your friends, but don’t! This will just lead to bad habits. Not only that, but you should always be able to project your ideas as clearly and firmly as possible, no matter how informal the situation. Finally, under no circumstances should you use obscene language. This is base behaviour and will not be tolerated by anyone.

By now you should have received your Brian Dangerfield audio cassette tapes in the mail. Please insert side B of tape four. You will hear a young man named David talking about his favourite television show, What Now? Listen to the recording twice and then answer the following questions. (Answers are at the bottom of the page).

1) What words does David use to communicate his feelings about What Now?

2) Who is David’s favourite What Now? host? How do we know this?

3) Do you think David communicated his feelings about What Now? effectively?

Now I would like you to write about your own favourite television show, communicating what it is you like about the show and why. Does it make you feel happy, inspired or excited? Is it on Channel One, Two or Three? Make sure to use the skills in the above paragraph. You may send your essay in to me for checking if you wish. Remember, clear and effective communication is as essential to greatness as is the communication of greatness itself to others.

1) Choice, awesome, really cool. 2) Simon Barnett. David says he’s “a really funny guy.” 

3) Yes, he did.

STEP 10: Teamwork

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #9, 2009)

To fit everything in before the end of the school term, we’ve had to skip Step Nine: Money Management. Luckily, this step can more or less be summed up in the following advice: buy low, sell high. Now that we’ve got that established, let’s move on. Have you ever tried to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself? How about playing in a ‘rock band’ with only one instrument? Yes, there are times in life when one person just isn’t enough to get the job done, and that’s when you have to swallow your pride and work with other people. In a team. Using teamwork.

They often say there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’. Therefore, by logical extension, there is also no ‘I’ in ‘teamwork’. Teamwork is not about excelling as an individual, but about doing what is best for the group.  Often in life, we are faced with tasks that cannot be done alone. This is when we must work as “a team”. Each team member does a piece of that task, or ‘micro-task’, working as “a team”. Micro-tasks are assigned to team members based on their relevant skills or level of ability. Remember the school science fair at school? Remember how your friend would do the experiment, you would do the write-up in nice handwriting, and the kid with the learning disability would be in charge of finding a cardboard box? Remember how you each put your name on the presentation, despite the fact that Johnny Nelson clearly didn’t have the mental capacity to contribute anything of worth and really shouldn’t have received equal credit? When you have these separate elements working together in harmony, that is the true meaning of ‘teamwork’.

In my underrated autobiography Living Dangerfieldsly: The Brian Dangerfield Story, I talked about how my wife Maria and I made the perfect team whilst on tour. She would drive us around the South Island while I sat in the back, preparing my notes. Before a seminar, she would arrange the tables and chairs while I was backstage, getting into my Greatness Zone. With this magical formula we were able to keep things running smoothly as we hurtled through the bright lights of Palmerston, Twizel, Greymouth, Reefton, Geraldine and Gore.

Sadly, the days of such teamwork are gone. I mean in New Zealand in general, of course. I was recently in Asia and let me tell you, we have a lot to learn about working together. Did you know that in Asian countries, the needs of the group are always put above those of the individual? In fact, many Asian people are known only by their family name, because in Asian cultures, members of the same family are believed to be the same person! With all the selfishness, exploitation and greed we see in the Western world, we could improve things immensely by following the Asians’ example. I urge you, take my advice on teamwork and you will not only increase your own greatness, but the overall greatness of New Zealand itself.

STEP 8: Risk-Tasking

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #8, 2009)

Hello, loyal readers, and welcome to a special ‘international edition’ of Brian Dangerfield’s 15 Steps To Greatness. I am writing this in a ‘cyber café’ in Hong Kong airport as I wait to board a flight to Thailand.* Coincidentally, air travel ties in nicely with this week’s step, which is all about risk-taking. Every time we get on an aeroplane, we are taking a risk. Our plane could crash, or, even worse, we could get stranded on a mysterious island – just like in that popular show, Lost on an Island. However, we still get on that plane because it helps us achieve something. In my case, my trip to Thailand will help me get away from the high-stress lifestyle of Dunedin (and maybe give me a chance to meet some new people).

That basically sums up what risk-taking is all about. There’s no point taking a risk if there’s no chance that you’ll get anything out of it. Jumping off a cliff is pretty risky, but you’re not going to achieve much (apart from a big mess!) So, how do we decide when we should take a risk? Put simply, it is worth taking a risk when the potential gain from succeeding at said risk is greater than the potential loss if you fail, taking into account the relative probabilities of each outcome. For example, quitting your job because a personal friend of yours is on the interview panel for a better position is a good risk to take. However, quitting your job to become a professional theatre actor is a bad risk to take. Just ask my youngest son Glen, whose lust for the spotlight cost him a real, well-paying finance job. What a terrible waste.

“Oh, I don’t know Brian,” I hear you say. “All this risk-taking sounds a bit scary. I think I’ll just keep doing things the way I’ve always done them.” Wrong! For a start, you can never avoid taking risks. Every day we do things that are risky in some way or another. You may think that eating a ham sandwich isn’t dangerous, but just look at what happened to poor old ‘Big Mama’ Cass from The Mamas and Papas! But more seriously, if you never take risks then you cannot grow as a person. How can you get that pretty girl to go out with you if you don’t take a risk and ask her first? How can you get that dream job if you don’t take a risk and refuse to settle for a boring job you don’t like? If you never take risks then your life will be the same, day after day. You will become boring and everybody will forget you exist. How do you think The Rolling Stones have stayed popular for so long? Certainly not by doing the same old thing year after year. In other words, you need to take risks in order to advance your life, to take you one step closer to…  greatness.


* I actually did write this in Hong Kong airport on my way home from Japan

STEP 7: Relationships

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #7, 2009)

Since last week’s lesson on how to meet people, I hope you’ve got out there and met lots of exciting, useful new friends! I myself met a nice young man named Eric, who told me he was a fan of mine and that my columns in Critical Magazine were “f**king hilarious.” While I didn’t appreciate the language he used, I was glad to hear that the young people have been enjoying my work (I do try to throw in the odd joke or two!), and, more importantly, that my message of greatness is getting out there.

But while meeting new friends is easy, there is one thing that is much harder: meeting “the one”. We all need a special someone in our lives, someone to hold on to when times get tough. Having that anchor can keep us grounded and allows us to focus on reaching our goals. If I hadn’t had Maria to take care of all the administrative work and other menial tasks while I was promoting my first book, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this today. Read my three-stage guide below to help you find your own “Maria”. (Note: I only have experience dating women, so if you happen to be a woman yourself then I’m afraid you’ll have to work it out on your own. Good luck!)

MEETING: People often say that you have the best chance of meeting a woman at a bar or party. This is a myth. As women make up roughly half our population, there is a fifty-fifty chance that anyone you happen to meet will be a woman, no matter where you are. After meeting a woman, you should ask yourself the following things before asking her out: do we have similar interests? Is she attractive enough? Does she have any obvious physical or emotional defects?

DATING: Once you have asked a woman out, it’s time to start the dating stage. Take her out for dinner, preferably somewhere expensive so she knows how important she is to you. If things go well, you might even get to go home for “dessert”! (You’re welcome, Eric!) Repeat this about three or four times.

MARRIAGE: After a few months, once you’ve really gotten to know your new lady, it might be time to start thinking about tying “the knot”. Go out and buy the biggest diamond ring you can find, that way she’s guaranteed to say yes! And so begins your long, successful life of marital bliss. (Incidentally, this is why I truly believe that diamonds are our most valuable resource.) Marrying Maria was the greatest thing I ever did, and helped me achieve things I never thought possible. Even today, our marriage is still going strong, and I am definitely not living in a one-bedroom bungalow in Mosgiel. If you happen to see me going in and out of such a building it’s because I have a good friend there who is sick. Glad we got that one cleared up.

STEP 6: Meeting People

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #6, 2009)

The more people you know, the better your life will be: that is a scientific fact. If you know a lot of people, you will be invited to many different social events, thus making you feel better about yourself as a person. But, even better, if you meet the right people then they can get you that exclusive job interview, or discount plane tickets, or all sorts of things that can help you on your path to greatness. This is why I truly believe that people are our most valuable resource. So, wouldn’t it be great if we all just knew lots of people? Sadly, it’s not that easy. There is one important step that separates us from knowing and not knowing people, and that step is meeting people. Luckily, the places you can meet people are almost endless: parties, the bus – in fact, anywhere where there are people you don’t already know.

Once you have seen a person that you would like to meet, the procedure is very simple. First, approach them and give your name. Make sure to smile so they know you are well-intentioned. Listen for their name, and make a note of it on a small piece of paper if you have to. Then ask the person a few questions about themselves: family, work, hobbies and where they live are all good topics to begin with. When they respond, be sure to maintain steady eye contact, nod frequently and make noises like “mmm” and “yes, I understand.” This will give them the impression that you are interested in what they have to say. Then, offer your own personal information. Finally, and most importantly, be sure to find out if they are important, or if they know anyone important. If so, get their contact details and make a plan to see them again. Now, I know walking up to strangers and using this method may sound daunting, but you can do it! Now that you’ve learned how to be self-confident from Step Three, it really shouldn’t be hard at all.

I remember when my eldest son Joel moved away from home to study at Victoria University in Wellington. According to what he had told my wife Maria on the phone, he was finding it quite difficult to meet new people and consequently was feeling a bit put out. So, I decided to give him a call myself. “Joel,” I said, “I hear you’ve been having some trouble making new friends. Go on, get your copy of Brian Dangerfield’s 15 Steps to Greatness and we’ll have a little read, shall we?” And we sat there, reading the whole of Chapter Six together, aloud down the phone-line. It was a beautiful moment. After that, Joel’s social life really took off, so much so that he didn’t even have time to call us anymore! So, do you need any more proof that my programme really works?! Didn’t think so! Now, get out there and meet someone new – today! 

STEP 5: Time Management

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #5, 2009)

Because we only have so many weeks to get through my fifteen steps, I’m afraid that we’ve had to skip Step Four: Hair Care. However, I’d like to remind you that if you buy my book (of which there are still plenty of copies available online) you can read the original chapter in all its fully-illustrated glory. Since the first edition was published in 1987, some of the advice on styles and products is a little outdated, but I’m sure you’ll find something in there that will (hair)do the trick! Anyway, moving right along…

What is man’s most precious commodity? Money? People? Diamonds? Close, but not quite. No, the most valuable – and, ironically, the most powerful – resource we have is time. Money, people and diamonds can all be bought and sold, created and destroyed, but time is immortal, immovable – illogical. We each have a limited amount of time on this earth, and time spent watching pornographic movies alone until 2am can never be taken back, no matter how much you may want it. So, we must learn to manage this precious resource, using a little technique I like to call ‘time management’.

Time management is really no different from regular management. Just imagine that you’re managing little time-people: you should put your seconds to work, be sure your hours don’t duck out early, and for god’s sake make sure your days don’t drag you into a messy sexual-harassment case! But how do we put our time-employees to good use? Well, first you find the best time to get the job done. Then, make sure your time is rewarded sufficiently for working hard, i.e. the rewards you yourself receive by putting your own time to good use. (Okay, I’m going to drop the analogy here as I’m getting a little confused myself.) 

Anyway, we each have 24 × 7 = 168 hours in a week, right? But, since we all need eight hours of sleep a night, this really amounts to 168 – (7 × 8) = 112 hours we are actually awake. (Phew! All this maths is pretty tiring, huh? Bear with me!) Since most people work about 40 hours a week, this leaves only 70 hours – ten hours a day – to put towards achieving our goals. Not only that, but if you have a hobby or a family to take care of, the number could get as low as nine hours a day.

But before you start to panic, don’t worry: I have a simple list of ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ that can help you make the most of the little time you have. DO: make priorities and manage your time efficiently. DON’T: procrastinate or waste time. (Visit my website for a printable version of this list to stick up above your workspace.) They say that time has the power to destroy galaxies, or to carve glaciers into mountain stone, but if you manage time properly then you will be the one in control. Take that, time!

STEP 3: Self-Confidence

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #4, 2009)

Pathetic worm. Worthless piece of rubbish. Smelly old man with a stupid-looking face. Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking to you. How does that make you feel? If you want to run crying from the room, then you might as well give up now. But if those words don’t shake your spirit, then congratulations: you’re one step closer to greatness. On the long road to success, you will encounter many obstacles, many people who will try to break you down, and you need to have the confidence to rise above such challenges. But it’s not just enough to have confidence: you need self-confidence. You see, ‘self-confidence’ is all about having confidence… in yourself.

Self-confidence comes down to feeling good about who you are. And why you are. And where you are (in a metaphorical sense, although being somewhere nice can’t hurt). Sounds simple, doesn’t it? After all, we are all special people who should feel good about the gifts we have, no matter how few. However, self-confidence has a terrible enemy: self-doubt. There are many things that can cause self-doubt, such as lack of belief in our own ability, inner fears, or a comical speech impediment. Some people may tell you to “stop making excuses” and "just get on with it", but the reality is that these self-doubts are real problems and need to be faced head-on. The secret is to identify the root of your insecurities, work on changing the things that make you feel bad and eventually come to feel good about yourself. It’s as simple as that. Alternatively, focus on your strengths instead of your flaws: you may doubt your ability to be a good husband, for example, but you can at least, say, write a book.

Let me illustrate my points with a real-life story. During my promotional book tour in 1988, I was giving a seminar in Taihape in when a young girl named Sarah* approached me with a problem. She was quite overweight and had repulsive acne, and all the insensitive comments she received had really shaken her self-confidence. What I told her was this: buy my book, and let it serve as a reminder that with a little self-confidence, a man can do great things. She stared at me for a moment before bursting into tears (of joy), at which point I handed her over to my wife Maria (who always dealt with these things much better than I did!) The point is, eventually you have to stop making excuses and just get on with it. That’s what I did, and look at how great things are now! (Not as great as they were back in 1988, of course, but that’s life.) So, work on your flaws, find confidence in yourself and you’ll be ready for Step Four in no time.

NOTE: due to space constraints, there will be no Step Four.


*Not her real name. I don’t actually remember what her name was, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Sarah. 

STEP 2: Good Manners

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #3, 2009)

Hi, Brian Dangerfield here again. The editor says I don’t have to introduce myself at the start of every column, but I’m going to keep doing it anyway. Why? Because it’s polite, that’s why. ‘Politeness’. There’s a word you probably haven’t seen in this magazine for a while. Sadly, it seems that good manners are a thing of the past. Why, the other day I was walking down George street when a young man approached me and called me a “dick”. Can you believe it?! I’m afraid that if you want to be a success, you won’t get very far without a little bit of common decency.

So, what do I mean when I say ‘good manners’? Let me give you a few examples. ‘Good manners’ is not leaving the dinner table until everyone has finished. ‘Good manners’ is holding the door open for a lovely lady. ‘Good manners’ is addressing adults on the street with “sir” or “madam” and not using words like “c**t”, “pr**k”, or “sh*****d”. In the end, good manners really come down to one thing: respect. If you respect people then they will respect you in turn, and you cannot be successful without respect. After all, that’s the one thing good manners really come down to in the end: success.

In the workplace, good manners are extremely important. When dealing with superiors, a little politeness goes a long way. Tell your manager how much you like his new tie, his dashing haircut, his excellent new ideas for the direction of the company. Good manners such as these can really help you get ahead. And hey, why not try complimenting that young woman in accounts on her new dress and see if she can’t give you a little ‘Christmas bonus’? (Only joking! My kids love that one!) But it’s not just the workplace where good manners can improve your life. For example, if you are well-mannered and polite toward your family members then they will spend time with you because they actually enjoy your company, instead of feeling like they have to and inviting you along to things like Dad’s 70^th birthday even though you can tell they don’t really want you there and are spending the whole afternoon making hurtful comments behind your back.

Now, think of a time when you behaved in a way that was bad-mannered. How could you improve things next time the situation arises? Perhaps you left the table without offering to do the dishes? Next time, roll up your sleeves and get scrubbing! (I’ll be expecting a ‘thank-you’ note from your mum! Actually, some chocolates would be nice! Just joking, again!) Or maybe you insulted someone you didn’t know on the street? How about next time you see them, offer that person an apology and promise you won’t do it again? It’s really not that hard to turn bad manners into good manners, all it takes is a little thought and a little respect. I know you can do it.

STEP 1: The Fundamentals

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #2, 2009)

Hi, Brian Dangerfield here again, with the first step in my twelve-step motivational programme, adapted from my bestselling book Brian Dangerfield’s 15 Steps to Greatness (which is still available from my web-site, www.briandangerfieldbooks.com). Now, I know you can’t wait to get started on my programme, but just slow down there a minute, mister! Before you start training for greatness, you need to have the fundamentals sorted. You see, each step of my programme is like the storey of a house, and the fundamentals are the foundations. If the foundations (fundamentals) aren’t sturdy, then each step (storey) will not have adequate support and the whole thing will come crashing down in a big mess (your life). Luckily, getting the fundamentals right is as simple as MOFOHAT^TM: MOtivation, FOcus, Health and ATtitude.

MOTIVATION: Life can be tough, and we all need something to get us out of bed in the morning. What is it that motivates you? Academic results? Financial success? To look as handsome as the man on the cover of my book? (Only joking! Of course, I had more hair when that photo was taken…) The thing that keeps me going is my beautiful wife Maria, who is always cooking me delicious meals, taking care of our three children or handing out pamphlets at one of my famous motivational seminars. In the words of the late, great, rapper Jay-Zed, “I’ve got ninety-nine problems, but [my wife] ain’t one.” Find the thing that motivates you and don’t let go!

FOCUS: The modern world is full of distractions. The rise of the inter-nets and other fast-paced entertainments in the last few years has led to a major crisis in attention management.  To get things done, I’m afraid you’ll have to stop ‘texting’ your friends on ‘Facebook’ and really focus on the task at hand. It’ll be tough, but then no one said this would be easy!

HEALTH: To really make the most of each day your body needs to be in prime condition. Get lots of sleep. Eat a balanced diet. Go ‘shoot some hoops’ with a friend now and again. And it’s not just physical health that’s important, but spiritual health too. No more pornography. No more hanging around people with questionable sexual preferences. Just remember my motto: “to be somebody, you need some bod(il)y (health).”

ATTITUDE: Lastly, I want you to stop for a moment and just think. Why do you want to become a success, to achieve greatness? If it’s all about the ego, forget it. I didn’t become a best-selling author and well-respected motivational workshop organiser just to look good. Becoming great isn’t about being better than other people, it’s about increasing the overall greatness of the world around us. If we are great, we can show others who aren’t as great as ourselves how to become as great (as ourselves). Or at least make an attempt because, let’s face it, some people just aren’t up to it. Don’t let that person be you.

Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #1, 2009)

Hi, Brian Dangerfield here, author of the wildly successful book Brian Dangerfield’s 15 Steps to Greatness. For those of you who don’t already know, my book has sold literally hundreds of copies (peaking at #43 on the New Zealand bestsellers’ list in June 1987) and has launched dozens of instructional video tapes, audio cassettes, television appearances and voluntary workshop-based seminars. My patented ‘15 Steps’ helped shape a generation of New Zealanders into the dynamic, powerful and dynamistic leaders they are today. However, I look at today’s youth and I feel troubled. Violent crime is on the rise, dried-up puddles of vomit line our streets and teen pregnancy is probably getting worse. For the longest time, I have been wondering to myself: “how can I get my message of greatness across to younger readers?” So, you can imagine my delight when Critic’s Magazine called me up and asked me to adapt my best-selling book into a weekly column (after I had left several messages on their answer-phone).

Adapting a 700-page, fully-illustrated best-seller into a series of short columns is no easy task, but in the true Brian Dangerfield way I have risen to the challenge and created a new, streamlined version of my inspirational fifteen-step programme. Inevitably, there have been some minor problems. For a start, there will only be twelve steps, a regrettable yet necessary decision given space constraints. Many example dialogues and situations have also had to be cut; however, you can hear these if you purchase my series of audio cassettes entitled Brian Dangerfield: Listening out for Success! ($49.99), which I highly recommend doing. In general, though, I have done my best to adapt my book for this magazine, and if I have accidentally forgotten to change something from the original format then I apologise.

Now, let’s have a look at fig. 1.3 on the opposite page. Which of these two men is a success? If you guessed the gentleman on the left, you are correct. What gave it away? Was it the shined shoes, the creaseless shirt, the friendly yet firm handshake? It certainly wasn’t the backwards hat and slouched posture you see the man on the right sporting. Now, which one of these men do you think you are? If you guessed the gentleman on the left, you are WRONG. “Whoa, slow down there Brian!” I hear you say. “I’m a pretty ‘with-it’ guy. I wear ‘cool’ clothes and got good marks for School Certificate. Yep, I think I’m already a success.” Nope, not until you’ve done my fifteen twelve steps you’re not! The biggest mistake you can make is thinking that you have already succeeded and that there is nothing more to do. No, there are always new things to learn, always new ways to improve yourself. In this sense, you can never truly become a ‘100% success’. However, if you read my column every week and follow each step carefully, I guarantee that you will in fact become a 100% success!

The Confession

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #28, 2009)

Okay, it’s time to come clean: I haven’t really been living in Osaka. I’ve never even been overseas. Shit, I thought Japan was a part of China until last year. Truth is, I’ve been working at a petrol station in Timaru – been getting drunk a lot, throwing stones at cars, that sort of shit. I just said I went to Japan because I wanted to sound cool, I guess. Everything I wrote I just made up. I mean, that naked festival, you really think that happened? You think bars actually offer cheap all-you-can-drink deals, in this economic climate? That bit about Japan not having EFTPOS? Come on.

Still, when I get off the bus in Dunedin, having allegedly flown directly from Osaka to Timaru earlier that day, just go along with it, would you? I don’t really want my family and friends to know the truth about where I’ve been. I’ll probably make a few weird noises that sound like Japanese every now and then so they think I’ve become semi-fluent in the language. I’ll pretend I have to re-learn how to use a knife and fork. I’ll begin every sentence with “that reminds me of this time in Japan…” until they want to punch me in the face. Anything to avoid having my vast web of lies exposed. 

Incidentally, do you know anyone who’s good at Photoshop?

This would’ve been the bit where I talk about having learned a lot of stuff and how I see life in a whole new light and shit. Had I not had a sudden attack of conscience, I would’ve written about how integrating into Japanese society was harder than first expected, and how I’ve found teaching surprisingly rewarding and may even pursue it as a future career. But I was pretty sure that with the amount of unbelievable bullshit I’ve thrown your way you would’ve guessed I was talking crap, so I decided to cut my losses and come clean. What finally tipped you off? It was the bit about my students thinking that ginger hair was cool, wasn’t it? I knew that was taking it too far. Fuck!

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this column anyway, even though you didn’t really learn anything. There is the chance that some of the stuff I made up was actually true, I guess. I doubt it though. I mean, all that stuff about Japanese students behaving badly, Japan being mostly countryside, Japanese people sometimes being impolite? Everyone knows Japan is just one giant city, full of people working really hard and bowing and shit. Anyway, I’m just glad I didn’t actually have to go to Japan. I’m sure saying goodbye to my students would suck, for one thing. Plus I reckon the thought of returning to Dunedin after living in a massive city like Osaka, having to go back to reading stories about sheep in the ODT every morning, that would feel pretty weird right about now. Thank god I dodged that bullet.

Miscellany

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #27, 2009)

Since arriving in Japan, I’ve been keeping a list of the interesting things I’ve seen or experienced. Some of these things didn’t fit into the overall theme of a column or had to be left out for space reasons; this column is dedicated to some of the more amusing leftovers.

• In Japan, cute shit is everywhere. Adorable cartoon characters are not seen as childish or feminine: grown men can dangle a plastic Pikachu from their phone and it’s not a big deal. Even serious public announcements are often accompanied by a cute cartoon mascot. Disney and anime characters are predictable favourites; less obvious icons include anthropomorphic beans and the ubiquitous adorable steaming turd.
• I once tried Kirin’s ‘0.00%’-alcohol beer (or, more accurately, their ‘alcohol-free beertaste beverage’), brewed with an ‘original yeast-free process.’ The verdict: shit.
• Christmas in Japan has all the build-up we have in the West (the carols, the decorations, the big sales) but almost no payoff. The day itself is not a public holiday, and the only real tradition is that couples go and get a bucket of chicken from KFC.
• I was once walking down a crowded street when a guy suddenly dropped everything he was carrying, removed his shirt and started rolling around on the ground, screaming. Then he got up, put his shirt back on and calmly walked away. That was possibly the weirdest thing I’ve seen all year.
• There’s a curry chain in Japan whose hotness scale ranges from ‘1’ to ‘10’. A ‘3’ corresponds roughly to a ‘hot’ at an Indian restaurant (in New Zealand, at least), while ‘5’ almost had me dialing the emergency room. Part of me wants to try a ‘10’ before I leave; the rest of me knows this is a terrible idea.*
• Most trains in Osaka have an announcer who is constantly announcing the next station, warning people to stay clear of the doors, etc. In my experience, these announcers fall into three general categories: the high-pitched nasal guy, the smooth-airline-pilot-style guy, and the my-god-this-job-is-sucking-my-will-to-live guy.
• Each train line also has its own distinctive melody it plays when a train is arriving. One subway line has a melody so ethereal and uplifting it sounds as if Jesus himself is approaching the platform. I intend to one day collect all these melodies and shape them into a concept album based on the Japanese public transport system.
• A lot of the random English in Japan aims for the truly profound, no matter the context. In a restaurant the other day I saw: “This expresses our life vision. LET’S: SUPREME GOODS.” This was on the side of a napkin holder.

* I did end up trying a 10 before I left. It was... intense.

Student Hilarity

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #26, 2009)

Unless you do something horribly wrong, being a young, foreign teacher at a Japanese high school automatically makes you the coolest and most handsome/beautiful person in the building. When I walk down the hallway, guys high-five me and ask me to hang out with them. Girls giggle when I walk past and yell “naisu gai!” or “very very hansamu!”  I’ve been asked out on dates and even had marriage proposals. While I’d love to claim that I really am that cool and handsome, this seems to be the default experience for foreign teachers in Japan. Still, it’s a kind of nice, though slightly surreal, boost to the ego.

There are some things about me that my students still find fascinating/confusing. They often ask if my hair colour is natural, obviously unaware that no sane person would dye their hair ginger. “Yeah, it’s natural, ” I reply. “And your eyebrows?” “Yeah.” “And your facial hair?” “Yeah…” And so on in this fashion, inevitably ending up in the general crotch area. I also get compared to an assortment of Western celebrities, including Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. (I guess all white people look the same?) I once had a girl stop me in the hallway and yell “Oh wow, Stevie Wonder!” I politely informed her that Stevie Wonder was actually an old, black dude, to which she enthusiastically replied "Yes!". And yes, there are still students who get confused about where New Zealand is, including one who thought that it was a state of the U.S. (“Isn’t it near Kentucky?”)

Of course, it’s hard to tell if these students are genuinely naïve or just subtly taking the piss. There are definitely some who intentionally try to make me laugh, which can derail a lesson completely. Guys often blurt out random, completely unsolicited English phrases during class, including such gems as “I want to go to nudist beach!”; “Previously on Prison Break!”; “Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! You should see a doctor!”; and the classic “OH… MY… FACE!” A student once leaned over to me and murmured conspiratorially: “By the way… I am Bruce Willis.” It can be hard to recover from something like that. I also see a lot of unintentionally hilarious English in students’ written exercises. I generally don’t like to make fun of their mistakes, although the time a girl wrote “last week, I ate out my family” (missing a crucial ‘with’) has to be shared. A friend once asked her students to write about their future, and one wrote that he wanted to become a teacher. His reason? “I want to come in a human.” I can only hope that he was going for something slightly nobler.

In fairness to my students, I should point out that there are plenty of kids who can speak good English, don’t go all gooey at the sight of a Westerner and are generally switched-on about other countries. They’re cool people, but sadly not as much fun to write about.

English in Japan

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #25, 2009)

Everyone in Japan knows at least some English. For a start, English has long been compulsory for all junior and senior high school students, so if nothing else people will remember the set phrases that were drummed into them there. This doesn’t necessarily mean they will understand them, though: ask a Japanese person how they are and they will most likely reply “I’m fine thank you, and you?”, even if they’re writhing in pain on the floor at the time (apparently this has actually happened). Having a white face in Japan seems to be an invitation for random people on the street to practice their English on you (conveniently ignoring the fact that you might actually be French or something). Most of the time it’s just a passing “hello!” or “nice to meet you!”, although a long-winded treatise on, say, the regional dialects of Japan isn’t entirely out of the question.

But it’s not just half-remembered high-school English that people are familiar with: English is slowly becoming an integral part of the Japanese language itself. A vast number of English words have been imported into Japanese, albeit modified into katakana, a writing system used almost exclusively for foreign loanwords. Originally, English words were introduced when there was no Japanese equivalent, so ‘tennis’ would become tenisu, ‘coffee’ would  become koohii, and so on. However, as English has become more fashionable, katakana English words are increasingly used in place of perfectly good Japanese equivalents. With words like boiru (boil), chansu (chance) and naisu gai! (nice guy!) in common usage, English speakers in Japan can often bluff their way through a conversation with little knowledge of Japanese.

However, it’s not always that easy: a lot of English words mutate after they are introduced to Japanese. Many phrases are converted to katakana and then condensed into unrecognisable new words. Can you guess the meanings of such common words as pasokon¹, sekuhara², konsento³ and Burapi⁴? Sometimes words evolve to take on whole new meanings: sutoobu originally meant ‘stove’, but now it generally means ‘heater’. To add to the confusion, not all katakana words are even from English: the Japanese word for ‘part-time job’ is (aru)baito, from the German ‘Arbeit’. Japanese people often mistakenly assume that all katakana words correspond directly to English, not realising that a sentence like “I was sekuhara by Burapi at my baito” makes bugger-all sense.

With all this half-remembered high school English and mutated katakana words, is it any wonder that Japan has places called ‘Club Sexual Harassment’ and song lyrics like “please give me only heartful future”? I dedicated a column to hilarious Japanese English last year, and while I’ve seen a huge amount since then it’s getting harder and harder to find examples that really stand out. So, I’ll leave you with a single (strangely touching) example: a woman in Hiroshima, staring solemnly at the burnt-out remains of the A-bomb dome, wearing a t-shirt that screams the words “MONKEY PANIC!!!”

¹ personal computer, ² sexual harassment, ³ electrical outlet (from ‘concentric plug’), ⁴ Brad Pitt. No, really.

Politeness

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #24, 2009)

A big deal is often made about how ridiculously polite Japan is: “I ate at a restaurant and they apologised even though the food came really fast!”; “Man, I was at a business meeting with some Japanese guys and those cats would not stop bowing!” While many of the things you hear are true, I think people get a false impression of what Japan is like because they are only exposed to situations where there is a high emphasis on politeness. Spend some decent time in Japan, though, and you’ll realise that while there are a lot of rules regarding politeness and respect, the way people are supposed to act isn’t always the way they do. I’ve seen people cut into line at restaurants, barge their way on to trains, heckle mercilessly and yell obscenities at strangers. I’ve had bad service and seen barmen casually talk shit with their customers. You often hear of the respectful relationship between Japanese students and teachers, but somehow I don’t think calling teachers “chubby” and “hamster-like” or having a prolonged shouting match with them during class falls within those bounds.

Much is also made of how Japanese has a whole separate way of talking if you want to humble yourself or honour the person you are speaking to. This often scares people who are learning Japanese, until they realise that most Japanese people don’t actually know how to do this either. Because we don’t have this honorific system in English, a lot of the language sounds clumsy and excessively polite when people attempt to translate it: Japanese people don’t really say things like “I humbly request your time, o honourable one”, even though that may be the closest English approximation. And while the differences may not be as extreme, we too vary how respectful our language is depending on if we’re talking to our friends, our boss or our hoes, do we not?

Think of all the polite things we are taught to do as children, the way we are supposed to act in formal situations, all the social niceities we follow: “No, honestly, you have the last piece. No… no, seriously, I don’t need it. No, you take it…” We don’t really think about them that much because, y’know, it’s just the way things are done, but if we compiled a list of all these things and sent it to Japan I’m sure they’d think we were nuts too. Everyone follows these rules to different degrees, anyway: some people are polite to the point of awkwardness, while others are utter bastards. And while the idea of what constitutes ‘politeness’ may be different, Japan is more or less the same: officially, everyone is supposed to be respectful and inoffensive (sometimes to an extreme degree), but ultimately the individual decides how much they actually do these things. Perhaps there are broader social consequences of breaking these rules that I don’t see (probably worth asking a sociologist about this one), but on the day-to-day level things really aren’t so different.

Technology

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #23, 2009)

There was a brilliant headline in parody newspaper The Onion a few years ago that read “Earthquake Sets Japan Back To 2147”. The headline nicely sums up how the rest of the world sees Japan: some kind of futuristic wonderland where flying cars and robots that put your pants on for you are just around the corner. And, to a degree, this is about right. Japan has some hugely advanced technology, partly out of necessity: in the densely-packed cities, things need to be streamlined to ensure society doesn’t descend into chaos. Every day, trains deliver commuters to their destinations with jaw-dropping accuracy – if a train comes even a minute late, you know that some serious shit must have gone down. If you drive to work, you can get a card put in your car that automatically deducts money from your credit card whenever you drive past a toll booth. None of this stone-age ‘stopping and paying’ crap.

On the other hand, some stuff just seems to exist to make life more awesomer. On mobile phones it is standard to be able to watch TV, free of charge. Broadband speeds here are through the roof, much faster than my pitiful Western-style laptop can handle. A lot of cars have a mini-entertainment system mounted in the dashboard, which is both entertaining and terrifying if you’re riding with someone who’s absent-mindedly channel-surfing while driving. When the car goes into reverse, the screen changes to show a camera feed of what’s behind the car, overlaid with a grid-system that lets you reverse into a tight space with pin-point accuracy. And hey, let’s not forget the talking pen I mentioned a few weeks back.

However, Japan does have some areas where technology has stalled for some reason. The most glaring example is a lack of EFTPOS: if you want to use money at all you have to go to an ATM, which are surprisingly rare. I’m sure Japan could integrate EFTPOS technology if they wanted to, but for cultural reasons people prefer to deal in cash. However, this doesn’t really explain why ATMs are only functional for certain hours of the day and closed on Sundays. Apparently the concept of internet banking doesn’t exist, either. Bizarre. In the business world, many jobs that could be taken care of quickly by computer are instead done with an endless stream of paperwork, all needing to be stamped, as the inexplicable need for inefficient bureaucracy trumps the use of available technology.

Not everyone can afford state-of-the-art technology, either. The school I teach at isn’t exactly rolling in cash and the equipment there can be pretty outdated. Some of the computers are at least ten years old and on their last legs, and listening exercises are given using old-school ghetto-blasters. I was surprised to find that some of my students were unfamiliar with even the basics of using a computer. And let’s not forget the large proportion of people who live in rural areas of Japan, where things are generally done in a more traditional way. It’s not all bullet trains and talking stationery, people. Why, there are some families that don’t even have a pants robot.

Population Density

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #22, 2009)

What continues to astound me on a daily basis is just how ridiculously dense Osaka is. The sheer amount of people and things packed into a relatively small area is phenomenal. Osaka prefecture is the second smallest in Japan, and yet it has the third largest population. The population density of Osaka city itself is about 12,000 people per square kilometre, roughly ten times that of Auckland. Within a two-block radius of where I live there are dozens of apartment buildings, houses, businesses, a few factories, a hairdressers’, several bars, a café, a supermarket, two convenience stores, a park and an elementary school. And this is a fairly sleepy area of a generally unremarkable part of the city. I often go for wanders through the narrow, maze-like streets around my apartment and discover things like an ancient shrine nestled between multi-storey apartment blocks, or yet another school hidden behind a motorway. A few times I’ve stumbled across a huge mansion that looks as if it’s been uprooted from more glamorous surroundings and unceremoniously dumped in the middle of an industrial area, overlooking a power station.

Ten minutes on the train takes me to Namba (not be confused with NAMBLA), the entertainment hub of Osaka. Namba has to have the highest pleasure-per-square-metre density in the world: the place is crammed with places to eat, drink and be seedy, animated neon signs and gigantic TV screens, an endless sea of people dressed in all kinds of bizarre shit, and vending machines that dispense almost anything you might need, including cigarettes, alcohol and, yes, pornography. Everything is so densely packed in it’s hard to know where to start: one multi-storey building can house around twenty different bars, cafes and live music venues.

To some, this may sound like a decadent, claustrophobic nightmare, but somehow Osaka makes it work. Historically, Osaka was the merchant centre of Japan, and you can see the influence today in the way shopkeepers loudly and enthusiastically interact with customers. In general, Osakans have a reputation as being warm and friendly people, and are often contrasted with the cold and business-like Tokyoites. (I once heard the vocalist of a Tokyo-based band say that they love playing in Osaka, because the people actually, y’know, move and make noise and shit.) There is a real warmth to Osaka that allows so many people to live together in close quarters without going insane.

Part of the reason why Osaka (and other Japanese cities) is so densely populated is because a huge chunk of Japan is mountainous and uninhabitable. While some picture Japan as a vast concrete jungle, most of the country is actually fairly unspoiled. Lush forests, ancient temples and even wild monkeys are less than an hour away from the centre of Osaka by train. Even in the heart of the city there are some decent parks and rivers. Sure, the place could do with a few more trees, but it’s not nearly as bad as some might think. If I need something slightly more peaceful and serene after too many nights having my head exploded by the audiovisual overload that is downtown Osaka, it’s never that far away.　

Pop Culture

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #21, 2009)

Coming to Japan is like stepping into a parallel pop-cultural universe, where suddenly quasi-ironic urban slang and an extensive library of Pulp Fiction quotes no longer hold any cultural capital. Unfamiliar celebrities adorn billboards, trendy stores blare the hottest tracks you’ve never heard, and schoolchildren wear bags emblazoned with strange new anime characters. If you do see a familiar Western face, they will be advertising a product you’ve never heard of: Cameron Diaz sells Softbank phones, Tommy Lee Jones is the spokesman for Boss coffee and Beyonce sells Crystal Geyser bottled water (“this is my water”) in a commercial that she would never dream of releasing in the United States.

The fashion in Japan, or at least in Osaka, is completely different and much more extreme, with styles including faux-Victorian gothic, old-school fifties’ rocker, and what can only be described as ‘the 80s in space’. Big hair is still in, and guys can look as androgynous as they please without getting beaten up. Fashion is taken very seriously: you always see girls re-applying their makeup on the train and guys readjusting their hair-dos in public bathrooms. While Japanese people are generally on the smaller side, there are still some pretty strange ideas about weight. I saw a magazine advertisement for a weight-loss programme: girls were going from “wow, that’s quite skinny” to “Jesus, she needs medical attention.” One girl had dropped from 51 to 38 kilograms. I have also been told that it is also considered attractive to have a ‘small face.’ Whatever that means, it’s something that apparently most Westerners don’t have, as many of my friends have been told “wow, you have a big face!” by their students.

Japan has the second largest music industry in the world, and it is largely self-contained since no other countries speak the Japanese language. You can find Japanese recordings in almost any genre (including a surprisingly extensive range of noise music, or ‘Japanoise’), leading to the feeling to that you are looking in on an alternate version of the history of popular music. The two big genres are, of course, J-pop and J-rock, which are inescapable. Somehow, the boy band has not yet died in Japan, and they still provide bland, nasty music and hunky guys for schoolgirls to swoon over; as one of my students told me, when writing about her favourite act, “EXILE is studmuffin group”. The hottest J-rock act right now is possibly the creepily-named ‘Mr. Children’, though I prefer J-rock mainstays ‘Bump of Chicken’ myself.

Japanese television is where the pop-culture of Japan all fuses together in one big sticky mess. One of the most popular formats is the variety show, where an ever-changing line-up of flavour-of-the-day models, actors and pop idols (collectively known as tarento, or ‘talent’) gather together to take part in bizarre games and ritual humiliation in front of a studio audience. Turn on the TV any given time and at least one channel will be showing this hugely entertaining format. Of course, the best parts of Japanese TV are the ad breaks: apparently Japanese commercials are limited to fifteen seconds each, so each one is an audiovisual assault of fast movement, celebrity endorsements and one-second jingles. Unlike back home, I often channel surf so that I watch nothing but ads, in the hope that I will see that one with the talking kangaroo, or that one where steam shoots out of Tommy Lee Jones’ ears.