The Confession

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #28, 2009)

Okay, it’s time to come clean: I haven’t really been living in Osaka. I’ve never even been overseas. Shit, I thought Japan was a part of China until last year. Truth is, I’ve been working at a petrol station in Timaru – been getting drunk a lot, throwing stones at cars, that sort of shit. I just said I went to Japan because I wanted to sound cool, I guess. Everything I wrote I just made up. I mean, that naked festival, you really think that happened? You think bars actually offer cheap all-you-can-drink deals, in this economic climate? That bit about Japan not having EFTPOS? Come on.

Still, when I get off the bus in Dunedin, having allegedly flown directly from Osaka to Timaru earlier that day, just go along with it, would you? I don’t really want my family and friends to know the truth about where I’ve been. I’ll probably make a few weird noises that sound like Japanese every now and then so they think I’ve become semi-fluent in the language. I’ll pretend I have to re-learn how to use a knife and fork. I’ll begin every sentence with “that reminds me of this time in Japan…” until they want to punch me in the face. Anything to avoid having my vast web of lies exposed. 

Incidentally, do you know anyone who’s good at Photoshop?

This would’ve been the bit where I talk about having learned a lot of stuff and how I see life in a whole new light and shit. Had I not had a sudden attack of conscience, I would’ve written about how integrating into Japanese society was harder than first expected, and how I’ve found teaching surprisingly rewarding and may even pursue it as a future career. But I was pretty sure that with the amount of unbelievable bullshit I’ve thrown your way you would’ve guessed I was talking crap, so I decided to cut my losses and come clean. What finally tipped you off? It was the bit about my students thinking that ginger hair was cool, wasn’t it? I knew that was taking it too far. Fuck!

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading this column anyway, even though you didn’t really learn anything. There is the chance that some of the stuff I made up was actually true, I guess. I doubt it though. I mean, all that stuff about Japanese students behaving badly, Japan being mostly countryside, Japanese people sometimes being impolite? Everyone knows Japan is just one giant city, full of people working really hard and bowing and shit. Anyway, I’m just glad I didn’t actually have to go to Japan. I’m sure saying goodbye to my students would suck, for one thing. Plus I reckon the thought of returning to Dunedin after living in a massive city like Osaka, having to go back to reading stories about sheep in the ODT every morning, that would feel pretty weird right about now. Thank god I dodged that bullet.