STEP 7: Relationships

(Brian Dangerfield's 15 Steps to Greatness #7, 2009)

Since last week’s lesson on how to meet people, I hope you’ve got out there and met lots of exciting, useful new friends! I myself met a nice young man named Eric, who told me he was a fan of mine and that my columns in Critical Magazine were “f**king hilarious.” While I didn’t appreciate the language he used, I was glad to hear that the young people have been enjoying my work (I do try to throw in the odd joke or two!), and, more importantly, that my message of greatness is getting out there.

But while meeting new friends is easy, there is one thing that is much harder: meeting “the one”. We all need a special someone in our lives, someone to hold on to when times get tough. Having that anchor can keep us grounded and allows us to focus on reaching our goals. If I hadn’t had Maria to take care of all the administrative work and other menial tasks while I was promoting my first book, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this today. Read my three-stage guide below to help you find your own “Maria”. (Note: I only have experience dating women, so if you happen to be a woman yourself then I’m afraid you’ll have to work it out on your own. Good luck!)

MEETING: People often say that you have the best chance of meeting a woman at a bar or party. This is a myth. As women make up roughly half our population, there is a fifty-fifty chance that anyone you happen to meet will be a woman, no matter where you are. After meeting a woman, you should ask yourself the following things before asking her out: do we have similar interests? Is she attractive enough? Does she have any obvious physical or emotional defects?

DATING: Once you have asked a woman out, it’s time to start the dating stage. Take her out for dinner, preferably somewhere expensive so she knows how important she is to you. If things go well, you might even get to go home for “dessert”! (You’re welcome, Eric!) Repeat this about three or four times.

MARRIAGE: After a few months, once you’ve really gotten to know your new lady, it might be time to start thinking about tying “the knot”. Go out and buy the biggest diamond ring you can find, that way she’s guaranteed to say yes! And so begins your long, successful life of marital bliss. (Incidentally, this is why I truly believe that diamonds are our most valuable resource.) Marrying Maria was the greatest thing I ever did, and helped me achieve things I never thought possible. Even today, our marriage is still going strong, and I am definitely not living in a one-bedroom bungalow in Mosgiel. If you happen to see me going in and out of such a building it’s because I have a good friend there who is sick. Glad we got that one cleared up.