Miscellany

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #27, 2009)

Since arriving in Japan, I’ve been keeping a list of the interesting things I’ve seen or experienced. Some of these things didn’t fit into the overall theme of a column or had to be left out for space reasons; this column is dedicated to some of the more amusing leftovers.

• In Japan, cute shit is everywhere. Adorable cartoon characters are not seen as childish or feminine: grown men can dangle a plastic Pikachu from their phone and it’s not a big deal. Even serious public announcements are often accompanied by a cute cartoon mascot. Disney and anime characters are predictable favourites; less obvious icons include anthropomorphic beans and the ubiquitous adorable steaming turd.
• I once tried Kirin’s ‘0.00%’-alcohol beer (or, more accurately, their ‘alcohol-free beertaste beverage’), brewed with an ‘original yeast-free process.’ The verdict: shit.
• Christmas in Japan has all the build-up we have in the West (the carols, the decorations, the big sales) but almost no payoff. The day itself is not a public holiday, and the only real tradition is that couples go and get a bucket of chicken from KFC.
• I was once walking down a crowded street when a guy suddenly dropped everything he was carrying, removed his shirt and started rolling around on the ground, screaming. Then he got up, put his shirt back on and calmly walked away. That was possibly the weirdest thing I’ve seen all year.
• There’s a curry chain in Japan whose hotness scale ranges from ‘1’ to ‘10’. A ‘3’ corresponds roughly to a ‘hot’ at an Indian restaurant (in New Zealand, at least), while ‘5’ almost had me dialing the emergency room. Part of me wants to try a ‘10’ before I leave; the rest of me knows this is a terrible idea.*
• Most trains in Osaka have an announcer who is constantly announcing the next station, warning people to stay clear of the doors, etc. In my experience, these announcers fall into three general categories: the high-pitched nasal guy, the smooth-airline-pilot-style guy, and the my-god-this-job-is-sucking-my-will-to-live guy.
• Each train line also has its own distinctive melody it plays when a train is arriving. One subway line has a melody so ethereal and uplifting it sounds as if Jesus himself is approaching the platform. I intend to one day collect all these melodies and shape them into a concept album based on the Japanese public transport system.
• A lot of the random English in Japan aims for the truly profound, no matter the context. In a restaurant the other day I saw: “This expresses our life vision. LET’S: SUPREME GOODS.” This was on the side of a napkin holder.

* I did end up trying a 10 before I left. It was... intense.