A Spherical, Rotating Earth

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #10. 2008)


No matter how far I walk, I can never reach the edge of the Earth. Can you explain why this is? (Norman Sharpton, Mornington)

You are not alone in your observation, Norman. For centuries scientists have pondered this bizarre phenomenon, but so far no one has been able to give a conclusive explanation for it. However, there is one theory that, though ridiculous, is gaining in popularity. This theory states that the Earth is not a flat disc, as all reasonable people believe, but in fact a three-dimensional sphere. This ludicrous notion was first introduced in 1999 by Dr. Jonas Wilhelm, although he claims that it has been “common knowledge for centuries”.

Unsurprisingly, Dr. Wilhelm’s theory was instantly met with scorn from real scientists. Not only was his theory completely counter-intuitive (does the Earth look round?) but he had presented no real evidence to support his wild claims. As one renowned academic said: “if we could somehow actually leave the Earth in some sort of ‘space-ship’ to see what shape it is, then great, but I hardly think that’s realistic.” Furthermore, Dr. Wilhelm’s theory had one glaring problem: if the world is spherical, then how do people on the underside of the sphere avoid falling into the cold, eternal abyss of space?

Since the introduction of Dr. Wilhelm’s ridiculous theory, there have been some weak attempts to explain the gaping holes in his argument. Dr. Mary Schreiber, for example, claims that the Earth produces its own force, which she calls ‘gravity’, and that it is this force that stops people falling from the Earth. What she fails to address, of course, is why people are not sucked towards other large spheres, such as the moon or novelty-sized beach balls. Predictably, Dr. Schreiber was “away on leave” when asked to back up her questionable claims.

Unbelievably, some scientists have gone so far as to suggest that the Earth is not only spherical but is also rotating. These so-called ‘experts’ believe that this theory explains such things as why we have as day and night. This preposterous idea has understandably been met with skepticism. “The theory is unnecessarily complicated.” says physicist and avid geocentrist Dr. Philip Murray. “The Earth is huge while the sun is just a small ball in the sky – the simplest explanation is that the sun rotates around the earth. That’s what has been happening for centuries, and there’s no reason to believe that things are any different now.”

Furthermore, this ‘rotating Earth’ theory contradicts the already flimsy concept of gravity. “Consider ants crawling on a basketball” argues Dr. Murray. “Sure, they may stay on due to ‘gravity’, but as soon as the ball starts spinning they spiral off towards a tragic and untimely death”. But even in the face of such damning refutations, there are still some who believe in a spherical, rotating Earth. Hopefully the public will soon realise that, just like global warming and evolution, this is yet another myth about our planet that simply isn’t true.