The Irritation Quotient

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #6. 2008)


What is the most irritating noise known to man? (Kurt Bunkall, Dalmore)

To answer your question, Kurt, I must refer to a scale known as the Irritation Quotient (or RQ). Any noise has an RQ, which measures the level of irritation the noise will induce in an average human. However, this definition raises a troubling question: how does one define an ‘average human’? In the context of irritation, this cannot include anyone who is prone to irritability. Thus, when testing the RQ of a sound, we must ignore its effects on people such as taxi drivers, school principals, alcoholic parents, right-wing talkback radio hosts, religious fundamentalists and the elderly. Nor can we include anyone who is too mellow to get annoyed at anything, such as coma patients and smooth jazz aficionados.

In fact, the only way to truly measure the RQ of a sound is to measure the irritation of an ‘ideal listener’ – one whose irritation corresponds solely to the aural stimulus they are currently receiving and is not tainted by any other factors. Of course, there are no true ideal listeners: such a person exists only within the bounds of philosophical theory (see Kant’s seminal work, On the Irritation of Man, for more details). But although we cannot determine the true RQ of any sound, we can at least gain an approximation by irritating a large number of near-ideal listeners.

So, which noises rank highest on the RQ scale? Even taking into account the margin of error when approximating RQ, three sounds emerge as being clearly more irritating than any others. The third most irritating, with an RQ of 132, is the sound of someone picking spinach from their teeth in a movie theatre. As its RQ is higher than 120, this sound is technically rated as being ‘fucking annoying’. The second most irritating noise is the sound of two hipsters debating, with a vague air of detachment, which indie label lost its credibility first. This teeth-grittingly annoying noise has an RQ of 145, and is best avoided if one wants to maintain a healthy blood pressure.

However, the most irritating noise known to man, with an astonishing RQ of 278, is the sound of an earwig licking jam off a crab’s back, magnified ten thousand times. When exposed to this noise, most people will become irritated enough to kick a family pet and go have a bit of a lie down. While this unpleasant situation is unlikely to occur, it is recommended that you safely store all jam inside airtight jars as a precaution.

Some scientists have attempted to measure the RQ of more complex things, such as humans themselves. However, the problem with humans is that there are several variables to consider: not only how annoying they sound, but also look, taste and smell. But although a multivariate formulation of the Irritation Quotient is not yet complete, scientists predict that it will only be a matter of years before we can finally put a concrete numerical value on just how annoying Chad Kroeger really is.