The Trombone

(Get Yo' Groove On #14, 2007)

Finally, after fourteen long weeks, we reach the big one: the trombone. An instrument beautiful in its simplicity. A mouthpiece for blowing and a slide for sliding: two key elements that work together in perfect harmony. Much like the Yin and Yang of Chinese philosophy, this relationship has long fascinated Eastern thinkers, a fascination that is reflected in the Zen riddle “what is the sound of one trombone sliding?” I’m not exactly sure, but it sounds fucking great.

Yes, the trombone truly is the king of all instruments, though it has had its fair share of adversity. From the early 1900s the trombone was banned in most Western countries, as conservative parents feared that its scandalous sounds would scar their children forever. However, this didn’t stop trombone lovers from guiltily indulging their passion behind closed doors. In the United States, for example, speakeasies were established across the country where folks could slide away to their heart’s content.

In the early 1950s the ban on trombones was finally lifted, but its rebellious image lived on. Young ladies around the world swooned at the sight of James Dean straddling a motorcycle, trombone hanging from one side of his mouth. Moral conservatives were shocked by Marilyn Monroe’s steamy trombone rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ to President Kennedy and called for greater trombone censorship in the media. However, the general public had an insatiable appetite for this brass marvel and demanded more, more, more!

The rebellious image of the trombone has endured through to the modern age. At high school, teens will still sneak behind the bike shed at lunchtime to have a ‘smoke on the old ’bone’. The ’bone also has an incredible amount of street cred, as illustrated by rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006 smash ‘Slidin’’, in which he challenges police to try to catch him “slidin’ dirty”.

Now that you are desperate to go out and learn the trombone, you may want to consider lessons. However, many believe that you cannot be taught the trombone: you must simply put your lips to the mouthpiece and let divine forces slide you wherever they see fit. This is why some refer to the sound of the trombone as the ‘voice of God’. Personally, I believe that it is an insult to compare this majestic sound to that of your puny deity. To me, the trombone is god.

As usual, I will leave the final word to Dr. Chester P. Loveberry: “Power is a very sexual thing. With the trombone comes ultimate power, and therefore ultimate sex appeal, you dig? It is a very… intimidating performance. ”