Has anyone ever tried to scientifically prove the existence of God? (Diane Thompson, St. Clair)
Well Diane, there have in fact
been several attempts to do so. The first such attempt occurred in 1978, when a
team of British scientists were inspired by a story they had heard about the
image of Jesus appearing inside a nectarine. The team isolated hundreds of
pieces of fruit in a contamination-free chamber and monitored them closely,
hoping for any sign of produce-based manifestation. Disappointingly, after 40
days of observation there were no divine images to be seen – just the face of
Richard Nixon on a guava. The study was abandoned and the fruit given to a
flock of hungry gulls.
The next notable attempt did not
concern divine manifestation but instead took a more direct approach. Michael
Wilson, a New Zealand physicist, decided that to prove God’s existence he would
speak to God one-to-one. On August 10th, 1992, he aimed a satellite
dish heavenward and started scanning the radio band in hope of hearing some
kind of divine voice. After hours of searching, he finally came across a voice
that was so powerful and filled with self-importance that it could only be that
of God Himself. Wilson proceeded to use his radio transmitter to ask this
divine voice several questions, and was amazed to find that it had an apparent
answer for everything: how to find peace in the Middle East, how to solve world
hunger, how to govern the country effectively, and so on. It was only when Wilson was
asked to clear the line for the next caller that he realised he had
inadvertently tuned in to his local talkback radio show.
The latest attempt occurred in
September 2003, when a team of American scientists went one step further and
decided to actually capture God, thus proving His existence once and for all.
Working with the few measurements they could find in holy texts, they estimated
the size of God (roughly 64 million cubic metres) and found an aircraft hangar
large enough to house Him. The hangar was fitted with reinforced-steel doors,
programmed to close automatically if a theological disturbance was detected.
Using a copy of the bible as bait, the team activated the divinity sensors and
hid in the bushes opposite the hangar. After waiting for several hours, one of
the junior members of the team pointed out that if God was truly omniscient,
surely he would know their plan? The other scientists quickly dismissed this
idea and told him to be quiet before God overheard. Needless to say, the test
was a complete failure: God never showed up, and on the way back to the lab the
team was attacked by a flock of hungry gulls.
To this day, no one has
successfully proven the existence of God. However, it’s not all bad news: after
years of extensive testing, a team of German scientists are finally on the
brink of discovering the true meaning of Christmas. Stay tuned for more
details.
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