Final Questions

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #14. 2008)

Well, here we are at the final installment of Dangerfield, BSc. To those who wrote in, I hope you have found my answers satisfactory and informative. If your question did not appear in one of my columns, never fear: not every query sent in required an entire column to answer. Several needed only a few lines of explanation, and I have saved some of these answers for this final column.

Firstly, I received a number of questions about health and the human body. Sharon Parker: most doctors recommend that one checks oneself for at least five minutes a day to avoid wrecking oneself. Thomas Stone: it’s called a ‘vagina’. Hugh James: it’s not unusual for corpses to smell unpleasant, and I would suggest that you return your grandmother’s to where it belongs before things get any worse. Lisa Thompson: don’t pick at it, you’ll only make it worse.

There were also many questions about the animal kingdom. Shaun King: birds do not actually fly: it is just an illusion. They merely hover in the air while the earth rotates beneath them. Hannah Montgomery: it is a myth that one million monkeys working at a million typewriters will produce the works of Shakespeare. However, it is true that one monkey sitting at a computer can (and did) produce The Da Vinci Code. Michael Anderson: no, so far no attempt has been made to splice Superman’s DNA with that of a shark. And no, I don’t want to read your fan-fiction about it. 

Several of your questions concerned physics and mathematics. Lisa Thompson: trigonometry was never discovered. It is in fact a myth, originally created by parents to scare children into eating their vegetables. Matthew Stern: no, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle doesn’t explain why it takes you ten fucking minutes to decide what you’ll buy for lunch. For god’s sake, just step aside and let someone else order. Peter Gray: the densest material known to man is – you guessed it – you. Or yo’ momma. Whatever works.

And finally, a few miscellaneous queries. Nigel Tufnel: yes, D minor truly is the saddest of all keys. Rowan Stevenson: no, the Doppler effect has nothing to do with the guitar solo in Sultans of Swing. You’re thinking of the ‘Knopfler effect’. Sarah Jefferson: yes, a team of scientists has indeed discovered which is the most vile nation on earth, but it will be several months before they publicly reveal their findings. I’m sure you can guess which one it is though. Yup, that’s the one. Bunch of dirty…

I hope my column has been enlightening and informative for you all. With each edition I have persevered to adhere to the Scientician’s Code by bringing you accurate answers, informed by recent and cutting-edge scientific studies where possible. To everyone who has read this column, I congratulate you in your quest for scientific knowledge. Perhaps, one day, you too will have what it takes to become a Registered Scientician.