Vehicular Bastard Disorder

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician #1. 2008)

Why is it that perfectly calm and rational people become so irritable when behind the wheel of a car? Is there any scientific reason for this? (Brian Taylor, Mosgiel)

You’re quite right Brian, automobiles and excessive rage have gone hand in hand for centuries. Even before the invention of motorised transport, a ride in the driver’s seat of a horse and cart would be enough to turn even a respectable aristocrat into a ne’er-do-well of manner most ribald. As vehicular technology has progressed, the situation has only worsened. With such powerful modern cars, an irate driver can inflict serious damage upon their fellow motorists; a rational person, when behind the wheel, can inexplicably become a cold-blooded killer.

In scientific circles, this bizarre phenomenon is known as VBD, or Vehicular Bastard Disorder. Common symptoms of VBD include involuntary abuse administration, central finger extension and, in extreme cases, uncontrollable bitch-slapping. But why is VBD so prevalent in the modern age? After years of research, scientists in Germany believe that they have the answer.

“Essentially, the problem boils down to a ventilation issue,” says Dr. Johann Schwartz of the German Institute of Vehicular Medicine. “Most modern cars do not have enough vents to let the air inside the vehicle escape. If a motorist becomes angry, their rage lingers within the car instead of passing safely outside. The angered driver will then inhale their own rage, angering them even more and thus increasing the total rage within the vehicle. This leads to what is known as an escalating rage cycle, which we believe may be the cause of VBD.”

The evidence certainly points that way. In one test performed in Dr. Schwartz’s laboratory, several test subjects were placed in air-tight chambers and then told that their mothers were grossly overweight. With no ventilation for their rage, their mild annoyance quickly escalated into extreme fury. “Our test subjects showed the kind of anger usually only displayed by professional wrestlers and drunk fathers” says Dr. Schwartz. His team also reported a 500% increase in central finger extensions (CFEs) per minute among the test subjects. These results differed from those of the control group, who were insulted in well-ventilated areas: “Their anger stayed at healthy, controllable levels, and the only suspected instance of CFE turned out to be some guy scratching his nose.”

So how can we avoid the spread of VBD? Dr. Schwartz and his team at the GIVM recommend that motorists always drive with the windows down or, better yet, buy a convertible. “In the latter case, any feelings of anger will simply be replaced with a smug, undeserved sense of superiority.”