Playing the piano is often referred to as ‘tickling the ivories’, despite the fact that modern pianos are no longer made from ivory and pianos are notoriously un-ticklish (unlike the bassoon). Now, this ivory-tickling is no easy task. Your hands often have to do two complicated things simultaneously, and you must read two different lines of music at once. Thus it is worth doing a few mental exercises before attempting to play the piano, lest your brain split in two under the strain and leak out your ears. (I swear you can see this happening to Freddie Mercury during the video for ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’).
As mentioned last week, the piano is not the most portable of instruments. An attempt to casually sling the piano over your back like a guitar may result in a casual trip to the morgue. This is where the keyboard can help you out. The keyboard is far more portable than the piano, and these days most keyboards can reproduce a fairly realistic piano sound. But that’s not all. Keyboards can also reproduce string instruments, entire horn sections, even classic progressive trance anthems – all at the push of a button (or ten). It is important, however, to remember exactly which buttons will produce which sound. Accidentally hitting ‘police siren’ instead of that bitching synthesizer patch you were looking for will ruin your solo and most likely scare all the underage drinkers away from your gig. Having said that, you can never go astray with the ‘barking dog’ sound effect – it pretty much fits perfectly with anything.
Even better than the keyboard is the keytar, which merges the benefits of both keyboard and guitar nicely. The keytar is played like a keyboard but is shaped like a guitar and worn around the neck, thus allowing for greater freedom of movement. Sadly, other attempts to merge two instruments in the same way have failed, as the sorry sounds of the tubolin, guitarmonica and saxomobone attest.
It is still
unclear as to whether or not the piano is a sexy instrument. Elton John, for
example, has been playing the piano for decades but is rarely seen with a lady
on his arm. Bizarre. On the other hand, is there a sexier sound in the world
than Burt Bacharach tinkling away at the keys? Probably, but that’s irrelevant.
Says Dr. Loveberry: “When you up there, playin’ on that thang, them black and
white keys be mixing together to make some very sexy chocolate-coloured sound.
Mmm, I like that. It’s a very sexual performance”.
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