Maternal Obesity

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #7. 2008)


Damn! Why yo’ momma so fat? (David Kemble, Waverley)

The reason for your mother’s excessively large girth is a mystery that has plagued scientists for years. Though there are several different theories, none are conclusive. Dr. Grant Peterson of the Chicago Maternal Obesity Unit has monitored your mother for several years, and believes he understands the reasons behind her staggering waistline. “It seems most likely that her extreme corpulence is caused by her reliance on energy-dense fast foods, combined with a sedentary lifestyle. As her weight increases, your mother finds it increasingly difficult to perform any kind of physical activity, thus further exacerbating her weight problem. Furthermore, she consumes excessive amounts of foods that are high in sugar.” says Dr. Peterson. “Bitch loves her cake,” he added.

However, there may be other factors at work too. “I think self-image issues also contribute to your mother’s morbid obesity,” says Dr. Susan Chambers, who works alongside Dr. Peterson at the CMOU. “Your mother is depressed about her weight, and her depression makes her turn to the one thing that gives her comfort: food. And shitloads of it, too.” To test her theory, Dr. Chambers had several members of her research team work undercover, performing actions intentionally designed to reduce your mother’s self-esteem. These included claiming that she had her own area code, pretending to mistake her for a taxi whilst she was wearing a yellow raincoat, and hypothesising that her blood was in fact gravy. Sure enough, the team measured a 5% increase in your mother’s waistline with each successive comment, lending weight to Dr. Chambers’ hypothesis. Dr. Chambers also believes that your mother’s impressive size allows her to exert authority over you and your family members. “Not only is she large, but she is also very much in charge,” she says.

The exact weight of your mother is unknown, although several estimates have been made. A member of Dr. Peterson’s surveillance team believes her weight to be 90,210kg, based on what your mother saw the last time she stepped on to the scales, though this figure is yet to be confirmed. Dr. Chambers says that she has anecdotal evidence suggesting that your mother is so large that she exerts her own gravitational force. “For this force to be significantly felt, your mother would have to have a mass of at least 3 × 10²² kg,” she says. Another estimate comes from the New York Police Department. Detective Inspector Lars Mueller says that “although we have no concrete estimate of your mother’s weight, we do have evidence to suggest that, were she murdered, we would run out of chalk before finishing her outline.”

At the time of writing, your mother could not be reached for comment, having recently jumped into the air and become stuck.