The Harmonica

(Get Yo' Groove On #11, 2007)

Have you ever wanted to learn the harmonica? Alternatively, have you ever wanted to harm Monica? If the latter, I suggest emotional blackmail. If the former, you may want to read on…

The harmonica is by far the smallest and most portable instrument I have written about so far. The great thing about this is that you can carry it around in your pocket, ready to pull out when the opportunity arises. At a party where the vibe is rapidly turning from red-hot to ice-cold? Simply pull out your harmonica, play a jaunty tune or two and things will be back on track – and you never know, you may end up going home with the prettiest girl there! (Wink!) Now imagine this more extreme scenario, if you dare: you are facing an agonisingly long wait in line for tickets to Akon’s one-night-only show. What could you possibly do to make the time pass by? Never fear, my friend. Just play a few bluesy wee licks on the harmonica and before you know it you’ll be at the ticket office, pouring your money down the proverbial toilet. Contrast this amazing convenience with that of the piano: you’d have a lot of trouble carrying one of those around in your pocket, unless you had incredibly strong thigh muscles and pants inherited from Pavarotti. (Hmm, too soon?)*

All this talk about the convenience of the harmonica, however, is obscuring its true purpose: to play the blues. God knows we all need an outlet for the blues in this dark, post-‘My Humps’ world. If you bottle your feelings, that bottle will inevitably overflow, leading to a major breakdown in public (or perhaps even a panic! attack at the disco). No, you must let the blues out, via the medium of the harmonica. You must write songs about broken promises, shattered dreams and terminally ill pets. It is only then that you can end the turmoil within. It won’t be easy, but then as Kermit the Frog said: “It’s not easy being green”. I personally never understood what that frog was crapping on about, but it sounds like good advice.

Did I mention that the harmonica doubles as a fantastic cheese-grater?

Finally, I should point out that while the harmonica works well as a solo instrument, it is also at home playing in an ensemble. However, you should beware that some harmonicas can only play one scale, thus forcing everyone else to play in the same key as you. But you’d like that wouldn’t you? You egomaniacal little shit. Get out of my sight.

*This column was written shortly after Pavarotti's untimely passing.