Ninja Warrior

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #3, 2008)

In the first column I mentioned my ambition to compete in the Japanese television show Ninja Warrior (or Sasuke, as it is known is Japan). Was I joking? Even I’m not entirely sure. But hey, if I can fit it around my teaching schedule then why not? I could even turn it into a field trip for my students. The sight of me slamming face-first into a wall could be a vivid metaphor for the impact of Western culture on Japanese society.

Upon discovering Ninja Warrior, I was impressed to see a Japanese game show on New Zealand television. Better yet, one that hadn’t been over-dubbed by terrible American voice-actors (yes, MXC, don’t think I can’t see you hiding over there). Ninja Warrior is essentially a giant obstacle course that is broken into four stages, each one significantly harder than the last. This in itself makes for fairly entertaining viewing. However, after watching several competitions, I began to see Ninja Warrior for what it truly is. It is not merely a simple tale of man vs. obstacle, but in fact an epic saga worthy of the ancient Greeks (or at least an airport bookstore). You see, the Ninja Warrior course is near-impossible to complete. Furthermore, if no one completes it then there is simply no winner and everyone goes home empty-handed. It is seeing the same competitors return again and again, desperate to finally achieve victory, that makes the show so compelling. (After twenty competitions, only two contestants have actually completed the course.)

It is hard not to form an affinity with these regular competitors. There is the tragic figure of Kazuhiko Akiyama, who completed the course in the early days of Ninja Warrior but now struggles, with increasing desperation, to make it past the first stage. More laidback is Shingo Yamamoto, a gas station attendant who casually strolls through the course like it ain’t no thang. However, beneath that relaxed exterior lies the fiery urge to win: he is the only person to have appeared in all twenty competitions. However, the most dedicated competitor must surely be Bumpei Shiratori, who has built a replica of the Ninja Warrior course in his back garden. This is surely a sign of true dedication to his quest, as well as one of slight insanity.

I imagine these Ninja Warrior all-stars hang out outside of the competition. They get together, exchange training tips, talk about the wife and kids. On weekends they go over to Bumpei’s place, sink a few beers in his hot-tub and then drunkenly attempt his replica course out the back. Who knows, maybe I’ll make it to the fourth stage of the competition and earn myself a place in this exclusive inner circle of Ninja Warrior. Or maybe I’ll just fall head-first into the water in the first five seconds and earn myself a place on the blooper reel. I could live with that.