Are these so-called ‘diet’ soft drinks really any better for you than the regular kind? (Margaret King, Caversham)
Well Margaret, the question of
whether or not the artificial sweeteners contained in ‘diet’ soft drinks are
harmful has been debated for years. While beverage companies contest that they are harmless, several studies have shown otherwise. However, a recent study
undertaken by two young scientists has shed new light on this debate. These
up-and-coming academics, David Cooper and Chris Matthews, revealed their
ground-breaking findings last Tuesday at their school’s Year 11 Science Fair,
in a presentation entitled “Are Soft Drinks Bad For Your Nutrishun?” (sic).
Their study was unconventional
for a number of reasons. Instead of using the standard technique of
chromatography to determine sugar levels, Cooper
and Matthews opted for a more practical approach. The pair purchased a number
of leading brands of soft drink (in both the regular and diet varieties) and
proceeded to test the substances on themselves, their mothers and Chris’ little
sister Molly. They had also hoped to run tests on David’s dog, Tupac, but were
unable to secure the necessary animal ethics approval.
Their tests involved consuming
the various beverages and then rating them using a range of criteria, such as
sweetness, taste, and after-effects. Their findings were astonishing. “The diet
stuff tastes like shit” says Matthews. “According to the outside there’s, like,
less sugar and shit, so I guess that’s why.” However, this lack of sugar did
not appear to change the beverage’s nutritional value. “I didn’t, like, feel
any better after drinking the diet stuff” says Cooper. “I think it’s all a load
of shit.”
The pair’s presentation at the
Science Fair generated much interest from their peers in the scientific
community. “When I saw their display, I was like ‘wow, these guys are totally
random!’ Plus David’s hot.” said Suzie Harper, a young chemist who specialises
in the fusion of baking soda and vinegar. “Man, I can’t believe they got away
with just drinking shit for their project! I wish I’d thought of that” said
Philip Wang, a leading expert in the field of comparative battery life-times. However,
not all comments on their findings have been positive. High school science
teacher Mr. Morris Greene had this to say on their research: “This project has
been given very little time and effort, and has no scientific merit whatsoever.
I am very disappointed in these boys.”
Matthews has tried to stay
positive in the face of such harsh criticism, acknowledging that an
unconventional study such as theirs will always have its detractors. “Greene’s
a total Nazi,” he said. However, Mr. Greene’s criticism does have its
consequences: the young scientists will not be able to attend next week’s
Regional Science Fair, a crushing blow to their project. Not only would
attending the fair have given them a chance to report their findings to a
larger group of academics, but it would have allowed them to miss an entire
afternoon of school - including English, a class Cooper describes as “totally
gay”.
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