Bullshit Receptors

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #9. 2008)


Is there any hope of ever finding a source of power that will replace fossil fuels? (Susan Greenwood, Normanby)

Excellent question, Susan. As we all know, the world’s supplies of petroleum and other fossil fuels are diminishing. While advances have been made in solar and hydroelectric power, they are still not enough to reduce our current dependence on fossil fuels. However, there is hope: a team of Australian scientists is currently researching a new source of power that may finally provide a solution to our troubles. “We realised that there is one energy source that has been overlooked,” says Dr. Kevin Johnston of the Australian Alternative Energy Unit. “It’s something that is all around us and is completely untapped: bullshit. Bullshit is incredibly powerful. It influences the way people vote, what products they buy, and ultimately how they think.”

The difficult part, of course, is finding a way to harness that power. Dr. Johnston’s team has created what they call a ‘bullshit receptor’, a device that converts bullshit into electrical energy. Several prototypical bullshit receptors have been placed in bullshit-dense areas, such as parliamentary buildings and commerce lectures, and so far they appear to have been successful. Using these devices, a mere minute of bullshit can power ten light bulbs, while five minutes of complete and utter horseshit is enough to power a small building. In addition to bullshit receptors, the team has also designed a special ‘bullshit-enabled engine’ for motor vehicles. The engine is powered by the vehicle’s stereo system, which is permanently tuned to right-wing talkback radio. The team has also designed a bullshit-powered plane that intercepts the bullshit transmitted by television satellites whilst in the air.

Many academics have hailed bullshit as an environmentally friendly alternative source of power. While fossil fuels are on the decline, bullshit levels are steadily growing. “The beautiful thing about bullshit is that it is self-propagating,” says Dr. Johnston. “One may hear a politician talking bullshit and pass it on to their coworkers, who will in turn pass that bullshit on to their friends and relatives”. What’s more, bullshit will allow businesses to become entirely self-sufficient. An advertising firm in Sydney has adopted Dr. Johnston’s technology and its office is now powered by nothing but its own bullshit. Dr. Johnston predicts that one day every home in the world will run on bullshit-based power, saying “there’s certainly enough bullshit to go around.”

But is bullshit really as clean and green as it seems? Some academics worry that the use of bullshit-based power will lead to rising levels of ignorance and stupidity worldwide. However, Dr. Johnston is dismissive of such claims: “As with any form of power there will be some negative effects on the world, sure, but these are negligible when you consider the immense benefits. Like it or not, bullshit is our future.”

Dr. Johnston’s team also tried to create energy generators that ran on the power of truth and honour. However, their attempts were quickly dismissed as ‘unrealistic’ and the project was abandoned.