Fuse City

(Big Danger in Little Osaka #5, 2008)

Finally, after weeks of padding – sorry, build-up – the time to leave for Japan is almost here. In fact, when this edition of Critic comes out I’ll already be in Tokyo for my teaching orientation, sweltering in the intense heat and drowning in the humidity. Apparently temperatures have been getting into the high thirties recently, which is hard to imagine as I sit here shivering away at my keyboard. “Never mind, I’ll buy some ultra-light clothing to help me deal with the intense heat!” I thought to myself, before remembering that I was living in Dunedin. In July. I guess I’ll just have to roll with the whole ‘being sweaty and disgusting’ thing until I can buy some light t-shirts over there. Preferably those ones that say “Grandpa Fuckin Spaceshuttle” or “Spread Beaver: showing the vaginal area.” (Incidentally, I have an album by Spread Beaver and it’s not too bad.)

After a few days in Tokyo I’ll be moving on to my swingin’ bachelor pad in Osaka. Well, technically I’ll be in Higashiosaka (Eastern Osaka), which is a city in its own right and is in turn made up of three smaller cities. I will be living and teaching in Fuse city, a place I know very little about. When I asked my supervisor what the view from my apartment balcony was like, he hesitated before telling me that Fuse was a dirty city, but luckily I would be facing Westward towards Osaka itself. Another source told me that Fuse was quite a dodgy place. When I asked if he meant seedy or dangerous, he laughingly replied ‘both’. Now, as far as I know Japan is a relatively safe country, so I don’t think I need to worry about getting knifed on the street. In fact, being a middle-class white male, I love the thought of living in a gritty, urban area to gain a bit of street cred. I’m picturing a Dangerous Minds style scenario, where I inspire classrooms full of underprivileged teenagers to become much more than they ever hoped to be. Except I won’t show as much thigh as Michelle Pfeiffer. Or maybe I will.

But, ridiculous conjecturing aside, Fuse is still a mystery to me. The only information I can find about it on the internet is in Japanese, and my Japanese is rusty enough that I’m having trouble understanding it. I found the Japanese Wikipedia entry on Fuse, threw the first paragraph into an online translator and was given this: “As for offering ([hu] [se]), in language with you call, administer the property to others with the heart of mercy. In offering “the commodity” “law” “nothing” there are three kinds (large degree of Satoshi theory).You call the person who offers the shelf patty, client ([se] palpus), Dannotsu (being, it is, is it is to obtain), vain (being, it is with) and so on you are translated.” So, I’m still none the wiser. Still, I look forward to being offered that shelf patty. My mouth’s watering already.