Bling and Anti-Bling

(Dangerfield BSc, Registered Scientician, #11. 2008)


Is there a theoretical limit on the extent to which one’s ride can be pimped? (Shannon Barker, Portobello)

Indeed there is, Shannon. The pimposity of one’s ride is measured by the Sick Index (SI), a quantity that relates to how loudly and emphatically rapper Xzibit proclaims that a pimped vehicle is ‘sick’. After observing several ride-pimpings, scientists were puzzled to find that while many rides had SI-values that came close to 50, none actually reached it. One scientist soon realised that the answer lay in Newton’s third law, which states that “for every pimping, there is an equal and opposite mis-pimping”. In other words, if one ride is pimped to an SI-value of 13, then somewhere in the world there is another ride that is simultaneously mis-pimped to an SI-value of -13. A mis-pimping, of course, is a situation in which one attempts to pimp their ride but instead only makes it more wack. For example, one may add some blingin’ rims to their whip, only to find that it makes them look like a muthafuckin’ fool.  

Thus, the upper limit on how much one’s ride can be pimped is actually related to the lower limit on how much it can be mis-pimped: an SI-value of -50 is the lowest one’s ride can reach, at which point it is officially the most wack shit in the entire goddamn universe. But while Newton’s third law explains why this upper limit exists, it does not explain why the universe needs to balance out pimping levels in this way. The answer may lie in a new theory put forth by scientist Dr. Margaret Swift, which states that there are equal quantities of bling and what she has dubbed ‘anti-bling’ in the universe. Examples of anti-bling include fake Rolex watches, lopsided grillz and cracker-ass muthafuckas who think dey all that, but homie, dey ain’t all that. Thus, when a ride is pimped (and another is correspondingly mis-pimped), the levels of bling and anti-bling created cancel each other out, leaving the universe blingin’ at a constant level.

Of course, some believe that the level of bling in the universe is not constant but is in fact increasing. Furthermore, when this bling reaches a critical mass the universe will collapse under its weight and begin to contract, eventually shrinking down to a blingularity. This hypothetical event is known in scientific circles as the ‘Big Crunk’. Rapper Chamillionaire is particularly concerned about this scenario. “If we don’t put an end to the bouncing cars, the pimp goblets and the diamond-encrusted hoes, then we may be looking at the sad demise of life as we know it” he said. “Now that shit is whack”.

However, these concerns have not slowed the trend of ride-pimping; if anything, the number of rides pimped per capita seems to be growing worldwide. When asked if he regretted potentially upsetting the balance of the universe, Xzibit hesitated for a few seconds before turning to the camera and declaring that it was ‘sick’.